Five Things to Toss Post Divorce
As a certified divorce coach, Circle’s facilitator, and single mom, I know firsthand that going through a divorce can be an overwhelming process full of countless tough decisions, difficult emotions, and big life changes. The entire process can put us in a state of cognitive and emotional overload. With so much to do and so much on our minds, it feels impossible to even think straight. This may result in feeling stuck and uninspired. During times like this, my clients often desire simplicity. In my divorce support groups, we often discuss ways to restore peace and order to our lives. A good place to start is by getting rid of all the clutter– clutter in our minds, clutter in our homes, and clutter in our lives. Now is the perfect time for some spring cleaning! If you want to lift your spirits and create space for more positivity and calm in your life, here are five things to toss post-divorce.
1)Toss the Trinkets, Souvenirs, and Other Marriage Memorabilia
After 26 years of marriage, Amber, one of our Circle’s members, struggled with all the constant reminders of her married life. I asked her to take a good look around her home. All the lingering mementos from our married life are daily reminders of what was. It’s ok to toss the seashells you collected from your tropical honeymoon over a decade ago. Get rid of the Playbill from the last Broadway show you saw together. The family portrait no longer needs to stay over the mantle. If there are certain items that you just can’t part with or that you want to save for your children, get them out of sight and into a storage box. Keep your past in the past. Simplify your décor to represent the present. What would you like to display around your home now that you are free? Create your own personalized, soothing space.
2) Throw Out the False Narrative About What Your Marriage Was or Wasn’t
Once our physical space is cleared out, it’s also important to look at all that space our ex is taking up in our head. It’s common to hear our Circle’s members caught up in one of two extremes— they are still in love their ex or they hate their ex. When we are longing for our past or missing our ex, we tend to over-romanticize the relationship– “He/she was the love of my life.” “We had it all.” “It was perfect.” Or, on the contrary, when we are filled with anger and resentment, we tend to catastrophize the relationship– “He/she never loved me.” “I should have realized this was a mistake from day one.” Chances are, your relationship was somewhere in-between, filled with ups and downs, good times and bad times. The stories we make up in our minds about our marriage can lead to endless ruminating. In one of our group sessions, we focused on simplifying our thoughts by sticking to the reality of what was. We learned to tell our story without the emotional slant, without judgements, without assumptions. What is your story when you simply stick to the facts? In addition, we got rid of all the what ifs and the would haves, should, haves, could haves.
3) Discard All the Unsolicited Opinions and Judgements
At Circles, we share our insights and experiences and provide support to one another.
We do not tell each other what to do. We get enough of that from everybody else in our lives. When you get a divorce, all of a sudden everybody is an expert about your situation. Well-intentioned friends and relatives flood you with suggestions and advice. They will tell you what you should have done and what you should do now. Then there are other individuals who just love to speculate and gossip and they will also try to interfere with your life. And, still others who have already been through a divorce can’t wait to share their own horror stories with you. You will be told what to do, what to think, how to feel and how to handle things. This outpouring of advice can be confusing, overwhelming, and probably biased. Tune it out. Let go of caring about other people’s opinions. Turn to one or two trusted people in your life as well as experienced professionals for support. Our Circle’s community is here for you, and many of our facilitators offer one-on-one sessions in their private practices.
4) Release Projected Fears About the Future
Going through a divorce is scary and stressful, so of course you will have some real fears.
This is expected when going through an intensely emotional time filled with so much uncertainty. During our Circle’s groups, we don’t shy away from our emotions. We focus on them and what they are telling us. Usually, we uncover some common fears. When we brainstorm together as a group, we realize we can combat some of these fears. Here are a few suggestions that one of my groups came up with to reduce fears: do a reality test of your concerns; make a plan; set goals; gain knowledge; do your research; stay organized; and assemble a divorce “team” (lawyer, financial planner, accountant, realtor, therapist, coach, support group, etc). The more information we have, the less scary the situation becomes. All the fear of the unknown dissipates by acquiring knowledge. And what about all those projected fears about your future, such as– no one is ever going to love me again; my children are going to be messed up; I’ll never trust anyone again; and all the other worrying about what might happen in 20 years from now? Release those fears by slowing down and trying to stay in the present. Focus on here, now, today. One step at a time.
5) Haul to the Trash Conventional Expectations and Ways of Thinking
A wonderful part of our Circle’s community is that we all come together from different places, different stages in life, different ethnic backgrounds, different financial situations, different upbringings, beliefs, and values to share our common dilemmas. This diversity opens our minds to new possibilities and opportunities as we begin to think outside the box. As you expand your thinking, remember this is YOUR divorce and YOUR life. You have a big say on how it is going to go down and in determining what your life will look like post-divorce. You don’t have to follow all the conventional “rules.” A settlement agreement that works for other families, may not be a fit for yours. Think outside the template. In our groups, we learn from each other what is possible and we can explore and tweak what arrangements will work best for our own family’s unique needs and circumstances. You are not bound by societal, cultural, familial, or traditional expectations. Who says you still can’t be super close to your ex’s family? Who says you have to change/not change your last name? Who says you have to forgive? Who says you have to be/can’t be friends with your ex? You get to say! These are your choices. Throw out traditional notions of what’s “supposed to be” and embrace what feels right for you.
