How To Fix a Toxic Relationship Effectively-Step by Step

Romantic relationships are one of the most fulfilling and joyful aspects of almost all adult lives. They are also one of the hardest to navigate and maintain, especially if they devolve into toxicity. But what is considered normal and what is unhealthy? How do we know when our relationship has reached the point of being unhealthy? In this article, we are going to explore the signs of a toxic relationship and discuss steps you can take today to repair the damage and move forward into a happy and healthy relationship.

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Recognizing the Signs of a Toxic Relationship

All relationships go through stages and cycles in which we are infatuated with our partners, and they can do no wrong in our eyes. After the ‘honeymoon period’ is over, and fantasy gives way to reality, we may find ourselves in a situation where things are not as rosy as we had once thought. This is normal as no one partner is perfect and we all bring some level of emotional baggage to the table. Some people are carrying a steamer trunk full and others only brought along a carry-on. One of the keys is to recognize what baggage you as a partner bring and what your partner brings. Being honest with ourselves and our partner is one of the cornerstones of maneuvering the red flags that pop up in toxic relationships. Learn more about the 50 signs of narcissistic abuse syndrome. 

If our baggage and our ways of coping with it are not addressed in a supportive, communicative manner, things can get ugly. Some of the signs of a toxic relationship may include things such as: 

• Constant arguing, even over the most insignificant things
• Lack of support: one partner undermines the feelings of the other, feeling belittled, inadequate or as if you are in the relationship alone
• Lack of empathy: the inability to see the other person’s perspective, not caring for anyone else’s experience, no emotion
• Controlling and manipulating behavior by one or both of you: this could come across as jealousy, dictating most or all of the daily activities, the other partner’s social circle, isolating the partner from family, playing the victim when one doesn’t get his/her way
• Feeling the need to be inauthentic to keep the peace: putting on a false happy façade, lying or keeping secrets to maintain calm and not disrupt the status quo
• Lack of communication to resolve conflicts that arise in all relationships: using insults, accusations, stonewalling or refusal to address issues
• Lack of intimacy outside of the bedroom: little or no touching, hand holding or any physical connection 
• A persistent sense of unhappiness by one or both partners: having more bad days than good ones, feeling empty, sad, depressed and hopeless, being on an emotional rollercoaster

This list is not all-inclusive but gives you a general sense of unwellness. If you can identify with several of these behaviors, it may be time for a relationship tune-up.

Steps to Address and Improve Toxic Behaviors

So, now that we have identified some of the classic characteristics of a toxic partnership, let’s look at some ways to improve it so you can enjoy a happier and more fulfilling relationship.

The first step is acknowledging that there is a problem. We cannot change an outcome of a situation if we are living in denial that change needs to happen. Healing requires us to actively participate in changing our daily habits and toxic patterns. Consistent action over time leads to the creation of new neuropathways in our brains that imprint on us in a positive way and lead to an improvement in our mental health. 

Secondly, set clear boundaries with your partner on what behaviors are acceptable in the relationship, how you want to be treated and what your expectations are. Also, find out what boundaries your partner has as well and work to respect his/her limits. Both partners need to enforce those boundaries consistently through open and honest communication.

That leads to the next requirement in fixing the issues… communication. Having calm, honest dialogue is a key component to improving the toxicity of the relationship. Using “I” phrases instead of “you” leads us to take responsibility for our own feelings and actions, which is paramount in changing the dynamic. Explain to your partner how a certain behavior makes you feel and give your partner a verbal road map on how he/she can help you move forward; ask the same from your partner so you are working as a team towards the same goal of healing. 

Practice emotional growth and self-care. Oftentimes, when we are in a relationship, especially a toxic one, we lose ourselves to the constant effort to change things and find our happiness. We stop engaging in activities that we used to love outside of the partnership, and we forget that no one person can fulfill all of our needs. It is important to set yourself as your top priority and start to rebuild your social connections and begin to participate in things you enjoy for the sole benefit of feeding your own soul and refocusing on you. Rediscovering your joy outside of your relationship increases your dopamine receptors and you will find that you feel more at peace as you concentrate on something other than overthinking and analyzing every detail of what is going wrong in your personal life. Giving yourself a mental break and some space is crucial to advancing your circumstances. This also makes you more attractive to your partner as you will have a more profound sense of independence, which often takes pressure off of your partner to make you happy. 

Additionally, seeking professional support can be a game changer for toxic relationships as we only know what we know and when what we know is unhealthy patterns of behaviors and thoughts, we can easily get stuck and stop progressing. If you have hit a roadblock in your healing, it may be time to enlist the help of a psychologist or life coach, someone who has expertise in helping people to build and rebuild healthy relationships. Individual or couples counseling can arm you with new knowledge and help you stock up on replacing outdated thinking along with developing new belief systems and coping mechanisms. Having someone available to help you traverse important issues and find common ground is empowering and makes us feel less alone. Sometimes, having another person communicate the same things we have been trying to express in less healthy ways, can be the determining factor in making the relationship work. 

Along similar lines as finding professional support, joining a support group such as Circles Emotional Support, can be one of the most empowering things you can do in healing yourself and your relationship. Psychologists have found that having a group of people who are experiencing similar situations can be more beneficial than most any other healing tactic as we find comfort and commonality among those who identify with our pain and our strengths. 

Deciding When to End the Relationship

Sometimes toxic relationships can’t be fixed. It is a hard realization that some relationships are beyond repair, but how do you know when it’s time to call it quits?

Each relationship is different and it is important to recognize that what works for some, won’t work for others. Some dealbreakers in toxic relationships come down a few common themes. 

When one partner refuses to work on the issues within the relationship and refuses to compromise or actively participate in the plan to come together and fight for the partnership, it is time to go. One person can’t carry all of the weight of any type of relationship and it is unrealistic to continue to do 90% of the work and expect things to get better. 

When the relationship becomes unsafe mentally or physically, it is time to leave. No one deserves to be violated emotionally or physically and we need to remember our value as human beings. If you have children, it is imperative to get them out of harms way; if you don’t want to leave for yourself, leave for their sake. We all deserve respect and stability and continuing to stay in this level of toxicity may end up being life-threatening. 

Lastly, when you have explored most or all of the avenues to heal the relationship and you are still unhappy, please know that there is a better life waiting for you elsewhere, one in which you will not have to fight for attention and love and beg your partner to see your worth and be validated. It is a hard decision to make, but one that will be worth it in the long run. Read more about how to get away from a Narcissist.

The consequences of not fixing or staying in a toxic relationship are costly. The impact on our mental, physical and spiritual well-being is not worth the risk. Toxicity brings health issues such as heart disease, chronic inflammation, diabetes, insomnia, weight gain, increased blood pressure and other serious medical issues. 

A diminished sense of self-worth, depression, and anxiety have a profound effect on our well-being as well. Often, these risk factors lead us to isolate and suffer in silence, breaking down our spirit and leading us further into despair. This can lead to mental illness and needs to be addressed by a professional. 

When you make a decision to put yourself first and seek happiness, a whole new world will open to you and the pain from the past will decrease over time. The choice is yours. 

(If you or anyone you know is suffering from mental unwellness, or is in crisis, please reach out to a professional for support or call 911 or call the suicide prevention hotline at 988. If you are experiencing any sort of domestic violence, please call 800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788.)