Being in a narcissistic relationship takes a toll on our mental and emotional health and wellness. Even after we have left those toxic relationships behind, building new, healthier relationships can be challenging. In this article, we will explore how to navigate the obstacles of dating after narcissistic abuse.
Understanding the Impact of Narcissistic Abuse on Future Relationships
If left untreated, narcissistic abuse can have lasting damaging effects on future relationships. It is imperative to understand that what you have gone through with your ex-narcissist was not normal or okay and that you are not to blame for their actions. Survivors often feel unsafe in the world and have difficulty trusting other people. Along with distrust, many people have a warped sense of self-worth, live in fear of repeating the same patterns and suffer from a loss of identity. Formation of PTSD, depression and hypervigilance are common. Therapy and support groups can help in rebuilding self-identity and establishing healthier boundaries and self-esteem.
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Signs You’re Ready to Date Again
So, you’ve done some healing work and self-reflection, how do you know when you are ready to get back out there and date again? The following are some signs that it’s safe to test the waters.
- Emotional Stability and Self-Awareness: When you are at a point at which your happiness is not dependent on someone else’s mood and you are able to self-regulate your emotions, you may be ready to date.
- Rebuilt Self-Esteem and Confidence: When you feel good about yourself and allow yourself to make mistakes with grace, knowing that you are still worthy of love and forgiveness, you may be ready to date.
- Ability to Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries: When you have made strides to establish and execute strong boundaries and don’t allow people try to invalidate or dismiss your value system, you may feel ready to date.
Steps to Healing and Building Healthy Relationships
Having relationships that are safe, stable and healthy is possible. With time, self-care, support and knowledge, you can have the best relationships of your lives.
Some tactics for safe dating are listed below.
- Taking Things Slow: This is important as moving too fast in the healing journey and dating game can set you back. Give yourself time to grieve the last relationship, focus on what makes you happy and establish an inner sense of peace before moving ahead.
- Recognizing Red Flags and Trusting Your Instincts: Often, after being in toxic relationships, we stop trusting our instincts and minimize the small voice in our heads telling us something is off. Learn to connect with your emotions and ask yourself why you feel like this. Is there a time in the past that you felt the same way? When? What was happening around you at that time? Who was causing you to feel unsure. Follow your inner feelings to reaffirm these connections. If someone is pushing you too fast to get involved in a relationship, this may be a red flag. If someone is belittling your values and blowing past your boundaries, this is also a red flag. If someone is over-complimenting you, putting you on a pedestal and telling you things like, “You’re the only one who understands me” or “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before” these are red flags and indicate love bombing. Someone who is authentic does not need to put on a big production to win your attention or shower you with extravagant gifts and compliments for you to see how great they are. A stable person also has boundaries, takes their time and wants to get to know you in a positive and slow manner, building on common interests and shared experiences.
- Communicating Openly with New Partners: Communication is key when forming healthy relationships. Having honest conversations about your values, your expectations and the pace at which YOU want to move the relationship can help you and your new beau navigate the relationship.
- Common Challenges and How to Overcome Them: All relationships have challenges that must be faced for us to grow together. Survivors of narcissistic abuse regularly report being suspicious of other peoples’ motives, having anxiety about connecting with another narcissist and possess self-esteem issues. Working with a professional counselor, confiding in a trusted friend and joining a support group like Circles, are all positive steps in recovery. Learning to identify issues at the onset of a relationship, trusting your own decision-making skills and attaching to a community of like-minded people are aspects of healing. Read more here.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
How do I avoid attracting narcissistic or toxic partners again?
As stated above, knowledge is power when learning to spot narcissists and toxic people who want to enter your lives. First and foremost, recognizing your own pattern of behavior, often rooted in childhood trauma, can help you build a foundation for healthier choices. Knowing our vulnerabilities and trigger points can also be invaluable in steering clear of toxic people.
Can past experiences of abuse affect my judgment when choosing new partners?
There is a direct connection between past abuse, trauma and choosing new partners. Until you acquire helpful coping skills and have a stable self-image, you may continue the pattern of dating toxic partners. As adults, we tend to replay the relationships we had with our parents with our former and sometimes current partners until we become educated on what drives us to choose the same or similar types of people. There is comfort in trauma because it is often familiar to us from our past experiences.
Should I disclose my history of narcissistic abuse to someone I’m dating? If so, how?
Of course, choosing to disclose a history of narcissistic abuse is your decision, but first establishing a trust bond with your new partner before sharing is recommended. Start small with divulging information and invite open dialogue to give your new partner a better understanding of your needs and trigger points.
How can I recognize the difference between healthy boundaries and emotional walls?
Healthy boundaries differ from emotional walls in that they are created to protect our emotional and mental health while allowing for a mutually respectful connection that fosters positive communication, flexibility and healthy independence. In contrast, emotional walls create distance and are rigid in nature, limiting vulnerability and growth. Walls may make your partner feel alienated and rejected.
Reclaiming Your Identity and Independence Post-Abuse
The process of reclaiming your identity and independence may take some time and require you to rediscover your joy, connect to old friends and step outside of your comfort zone to make new acquaintances. Reminding yourself that you are safe and that you have choices in life will help reinforce your independence. Read more here.
The Role of Self-Care in Preparing for New Relationships
Self-care is an essential part of recovering from narcissistic abuse. Taking regularly scheduled time for yourself, prioritizing friends and important activities outside of the new relationship will assist you in keeping a better balance and maintain your independence.
Understanding the Difference Between Healthy and Toxic Love
Healthy love is based on mutual respect, genuine appreciation, shared values and honesty. In contrast, toxic love has a foundation of fear, control and unpredictability. There is a lack of concern about the other partner’s interests, values and boundaries.
Meet Circles
To better understand the dynamics of narcissistic abuse and establish healthy relationships, I highly recommend joining a support group like Circles. Circles is designed to aid you in your healing by hosting groups such as Supporting Your Journey to Healthy Relationships and other amazing groups tailored to your emotional wellness needs. Circles offers guidance and support to help you build healthy relationships and regain trust. Group members understand what you have been through because they too have gone through similar experiences and have firsthand knowledge of the challenges you face.
Conclusion
Narcissistic abuse leaves emotional scars that are harmful and long-lasting. Having the courage to step out and start over can be scary but with time, self-compassion and a little help from your support team, recovery from narcissistic abuse and establishing healthy relationships is possible.
