Who are you?
We are often asked the question, How are you? But have you ever been asked the question, Who are you? Think about that. Who are you? What makes you, you? Who are you as your most authentic self? There are so many layers to this question because there is so much depth to our being. As a certified divorce coach, I often work with clients who are struggling with their post-divorce identity. They are often stumped when I ask them to tell me who they are.
Identity
There is a tendency to identify ourselves by our roles- mother, father, husband, wife. These roles give purpose, direction and meaning to our lives. So what happens when divorce takes away your identifying role as husband or wife? Who are we when we are no longer part of a relationship that defined us for so long? Or in cases of a dysfunctional marriage, who were we in the marriage? Who did we have to become for that relationship to survive? What parts of ourselves did we compromise, sacrifice, or silence to be in that relationship? And, how do we return to our genuine self? The quest to return to self is a common theme I see in my practice. And, I believe it is a crucial component of the healing journey.
5 Tips to Rediscover Yourself
From my personal and professional experience, I know that divorce truly challenges the essence of our identity as we try to transition from married life to single life. “I don’t even recognize myself anymore.” “I lost myself in that relationship.” “I don’t like who I have become.” “He/she really changed me.” I hear comments like these all the time. When my clients or support group members are feeling a little lost, I often suggest these simple ways to rediscover self and reclaim happiness.
1. Recapture the Joy of Your Youth
Think back to your childhood. What did you enjoy doing? Is there an adult version of that? Take a moment to revisit all the positive experiences of your youth. What events did you like attending? What hobbies did you have? What types of activities did you participate in? What special interests did you explore? What holidays, traditions and celebrations did you most look forward to? Can you re-create them now as an adult? If you were a high school soccer star, think about joining an adult soccer league. Was art always your favorite subject in school? Sign up for a painting class. Did you love playing outside? Find activities to do in the fresh air like hiking or biking. Did you play an instrument? Start making music again. What brought us joy as a child can be rekindled in our adult lives.
2. Get Out the Old Photo Albums
Go back in time and reminisce with old photo albums. Don’t just flip through the pages. Study the images. Through pictures, you can revisit the events in your life that have made you uniquely you! Seeing images of ourselves over the years, helps us connect with our life’s journey. What revelations will unfold as you turn the pages? Who was by your side in these pictures? Which images make you laugh? What places did you visit? Which milestones were captured? What feelings come up as you look at your younger self? As we become the observers of our own lives, we will get to know, love and accept ourselves on another level.
3. Talk to Your Loved Ones
Survey your friends and family. If you are feeling lost or sad, your loved ones are always good for reminding you of how special you are. Ask them questions. Lots of questions. What was I like as a kid? What do you think I’m good at? What do you consider my best traits? What do you like about me? What is your favorite memory of us together? Is there anything you miss about me? What are three words you would use to describe me? What do you think makes me happy? If I were an animal, what would I be and why? Or, if I were a color, a food, a flower, a car, etc., what would I be and why? What do you wish most for me? We can often find ourselves by reconnecting with the people who know us best.
4. Take Inventory of Your Values
What standards do you live by? What are your core morals and values? Really think about this, then make a list of all your values. Are you behaving consistently with your values? If you value friendship, are you actively cultivating and nurturing your relationships? If you value spirituality, are you taking time out to worship and pray and connect with your higher power? If you value success, are you working hard toward your goals? If you value good health, are you living a fit lifestyle? If you value education, are you engaged in activities or courses that stimulate learning and growth? In general, are you involved in things that you believe are worthwhile? An overall sense of fulfillment and calmness is achieved when we live in accordance with our values and beliefs.
5. Unlock Your Dreams
What did you dream about as a child? How have those dreams changed over the years? Which dreams did you fulfill? Which dreams have you outgrown? What are your dreams now? What do you want for your future? Close your eyes and visualize it in detail. What excites you? What do you look forward to? What kind of life would you like to create for yourself? Defining our dreams gives us something to strive for and something to look forward to. Dreams keep hope alive. The human spirit is lifted by purpose and progress.
