Alone Time
I recently read a New York Times article about the importance of solitude, and it made me think about how much I need alone time. I really crave time alone. One of my favorite places to get some of this sacred space is in my car. The library is another great place for enjoying alone time. I like to find a chair or work table by the window, put on my headphones, and get some work done on my laptop. It feels like being on an island to me! When I can’t get these moments, I start feeling uneasy. This feeling is called “aloneliness,” a clever term psychologist Robert Coplan uses to describe the negative feelings we get when we don’t have enough solitude.
The Times article includes a quote from Virginia Thomas, an assistant professor of psychology at Middlebury College: “Solitude is different from loneliness. The latter is the feeling that we’re not connected to others as much as we would like, which produces emotional distress. On the other hand, intentionally seeking out some time to spend alone is almost always experienced positively.”
Isolation and Solitude
This got me thinking about the difference between solitude (intentional aloneness to connect with self) and isolation (a feeling of unintentionally becoming disconnected from others) through the lens of two of my favorite writers: musician John Lennon and author Charles Bukowski.
Lennon’s song “Isolation” from his emotionally raw 1970 album Plastic Ono Band is about feeling lonely and disconnected, even though he was famous. In the song, he sings, “People say we got it made / Don’t they know we’re so afraid? / We’re afraid to be alone.” Despite his fame, John Lennon felt deeply disconnected from others. His words reflect his fear and loneliness, revealing that even those who seem to have everything can feel isolated.
On the other hand, author Charles Bukowski loved spending time alone and found it very positive. He often wrote about solitude as a time for self-discovery and creativity. Bukowski once said, “I have never felt lonely. I have been in a room – I’ve felt suicidal. I’ve been depressed. I’ve felt awful – awful beyond all – but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me.” He saw solitude as a necessary part of his life and work, helping him to feel more connected to himself. Bukowski believed that being alone allowed him to explore his thoughts and emotions deeply, leading to greater self-understanding and creativity.
Understanding the difference between solitude and social isolation can help us manage our emotional well-being better. Solitude is a choice that allows us to recharge and connect with ourselves, while social isolation is an unwanted disconnection from others. Recognizing when we need solitude and when we are feeling socially isolated can help us take the right steps to maintain our mental health and emotional balance.
Rebuilding Your Support Network
Dealing with social isolation after a divorce can be challenging, but there are effective ways to overcome it and rebuild your social network. What activities interest you and offer opportunities to introduce you to like-minded individuals to help rebuild your support network? Read on for more ideas!
- Community Activities
Engaging in community activities is a great start. One of my clients participates in a weekly book club. That’s not something I would ever choose but she loves the connection, conversation, and most all, sharing a great book with others. For myself, I am thinking about getting involved in the local music scene again by playing in a band which is something I have loved since I was a teenager. - Volunteering
Volunteering is an effective way to counter feelings of isolation. It offers a sense ofpurpose and the opportunity to meet people who share similar values. Websites likeVolunteerMatch.org can help you find local and virtual volunteer opportunities thatmatch your interests. That’s how I met a great friend who I am still in touch with 8 yearsafter we worked on a year-long volunteer project together!
Connecting with others through community event organizing apps like MeetUp and websites like Stitch can also be very beneficial. When I moved to a new town, Meet Up provided a convenient tool to find people who share common interests to meet with weekly (in this case, it was to play board games at a local cafe). I recently learned aboutStitch, a website that promotes itself as “a community that helps anyone over 50 find the companionship they need.” These platforms make it easier to find and attend loca levents such as concerts, dinner get-togethers, hikes, or festivals, providing opportunities to meet new people.
Overall, overcoming social isolation after divorce means proactively seeking out and engaging in meaningful interactions. By taking these steps, you can gradually rebuild your social life and find emotional balance. Take your time. Be intentional. As the great philosopher Winnie-the-Pooh said, “You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”
