For the past 15 years, I have worked in mental health, helping people recover from divorce and other relationship issues, including dealing with narcissistic abuse. One of the toughest situations I have seen is when someone with codependency is in a relationship with a narcissist. Today, I want to share insights on codependency in narcissistic relationships and offer practical steps to achieve emotional independence.
Many clients I have worked with, despite being strong and capable, found themselves stuck in codependent cycles. They relied too much on their narcissistic partners for emotional support, feeling they had to meet every need and demand, often neglecting their own well-being. Codependency often means an intense need to care for the narcissist, leading to a loss of self. The codependent person might feel responsible for the narcissist’s emotions and actions, ignoring their own needs. The narcissist will encourage this view!
Case Studies: Sarah and Tom
Sarah: Throughout our early sessions, Sarah described how she put her partner’s needs first. She was frustrated that no matter what she did, he never seemed satisfied. He told her she had problems only he could help with and that she could not make it on her own without him. Sarah struggled with low self-esteem since childhood and now saw her worth only through her partner’s approval. She agreed with him even when it went against her personal beliefs, just to avoid conflict and gain approval, making her feel trapped and increasingly anxious. Her narcissistic partner never encouraged her to think for herself. She often cried in our sessions as she described her stress, poor sleep, overeating, anxiety, and worry.
Tom: Initially believed the problems in his relationship were due to his poor communication skills. When we started working together, he told me that his wife belittled him for “not listening” and that is why she got angry with him. Tom thought he was being open and communicative with her, but it always ended with him on the losing end of an argument. He was always trying to manage his partner’s moods and needs. His narcissistic partner reinforced this belief by blaming him for their fights. The constant stress and emotional turmoil caused him anxiety, depression, emotional exhaustion, muscle tension, aches, joint pain, and low energy.
Steps to Achieve Emotional Independence
If any part of these stories or Sarah or Tom’s symptoms sound familiar to you, here is a list of important steps to achieve emotional independence that we worked on:
- Reflect on Behaviors and Feelings Recognize the patterns of your codependency. Notice how often you prioritize the narcissist’s needs over your own and any feelings of guilt or anxiety when you try to set boundaries. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking free from codependent habits. Tom was helped by his reflections after reading “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie, as he realized his constant stress and anxiety were due to his codependent relationship.
- Set Boundaries: Clearly define acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. Communicate these boundaries and maintain them consistently. Sarah and I worked together for a couple of weeks on how she would express her boundaries to her partner. Sarah was prepared to be challenged! Typically, when you start holding a boundary with a narcissist, they will get angry, try guilt-tripping you, engage in gaslighting, or blame and project. For instance, you might find yourself accused of being a selfish narcissist who does not care about people’s feelings!
- Practice Positive Self-Affirmations: Sarah also boosted her confidence by practicing positive self-affirmations. Reminding yourself of your strengths an achievements helps to build self-worth and reduces reliance on the narcissist’s approval, fostering a healthier, more independent mindset.
- Manage Your Emotions: Manage stress by developing self-soothing techniques like deep breathing, meditation, exercise, yoga, or journaling. Tom rejoined a friend group to play basketball once a week. These practices help calm your mind, relax your body, reduce anxiety, and provide a healthy way to process emotions, promoting emotional independence from the narcissist.
- Make Independent Decisions: One challenge for Tom and Sarah was to make decisions independently without seeking approval. Slowly, they are learning to trust their judgment and consider their needs and values. This empowers them to regain control over their life and strengthen self-confidence in their ability to make sound choices.
Taking action toward emotional self-reliance is powerful for a healthier, more fulfilling life. Other steps you can take include:
- Engaging in individual therapy to address codependent behaviors and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
- Joining Circles support groups to share experiences and gain insights from others in similar situations.
- Reaching out to trusted friends and family for emotional support and guidance.
- Developing a plan to increase your independence, whether it means setting more boundaries or even planning to leave the relationship.
- Making changes gradually to avoid feeling overwhelmed.
- Celebrating small victories along the way!
