Codependency and Relationship Addiction
When looking at codependency in a relationship, it is important to bear in mind that it can exist between romantic partners, family members, friends, and co-workers. Each person involved is mentally, emotionally, physically and/or spiritually reliant on the other. Codependency has also been referred to as “Relationship addiction” because individuals often form relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.
While everyone has loved ones or individuals they care about and respect, it is important to distinguish between a healthy relationship where each person can rely on the other for various needs to be met and that of a codependent relationship which refers to an imbalanced relationship pattern, where one person ( the giver) focuses on meeting the needs of the other person (the taker) to the extent of neglecting their own needs.
Dysfunctional Families
Through psychoeducation, reflection and allowing clients to be compassionate witnesses to their experiences, clients have come to realise that they have learned their codependent behaviors by watching and imitating family members. The family system in this instance is identified as a dysfunctional family. Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that a problem exists, and each member of the family plays a role to maintain the status quo. Common underlying problems that occur in a dysfunctional family system are:
- An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, or food.
- Physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse as well as a family member presenting with a mental illness such as bipolar mood disorder or a chronic physical illness such as anorexia nervosa.
The codependents’ role in the family is to place all energy and attention on the family member who is ill or addicted. I have seen with most of my clients that although they have good intentions, they can often be described as martyrs or forever getting involved in relationships that require “rescuing or fixing individuals in need.” Such behaviour often becomes compulsive and controlling. A wife has made excuses when her husband drinks excessively and fails to attend family functions. She feels that if she confronts her husband, he might leave her. She therefore enables his behaviour by covering for him. Certain clients have reported to engage in activities that have made them feel uncomfortable or that have not aligned with their values, just because the need to be liked by other people is so strong. They desire that sense of belonging so much that it feels like an “instant but short lived high.”
Understanding Codependent Behavior
Education around attachment styles has also been instrumental in facilitating clients in understanding the origins of their codependent behavior. Childhood relationships with caregivers influence adult relationships. Attachment styles refer to the way we emotionally bond with others.
Secure attachment is indicative of responsive parenting where the individual’s needs were met timeously, allowing them to develop healthy, reliable, and trustworthy relationships.
Avoidant attachment is when the caregiver usually the mother is emotionally unavailable. Such feelings and needs of the child are experienced as shameful. Anxious attachment style is most common amongst individuals with codependency.
Clients have expressed the intense desire to get close to their partner but are unable to do so because they do not feel worthy or good enough. These negative beliefs and low sense of self-worth, result in a fear of abandonment. The negative self-voice is so prominent as it is ingrained from childhood and has become the client’s internal narrative. Lack of trust, emotional avoidance, and the need of external validation from others becomes the co-dependent individual’s way of coping.
Overcoming Codependency
Overcoming codependency is possible. I often share with clients in an individual and group setting that as it is a learned behavior it can be unlearned. The first step is to focus on self-awareness.
- Learning to Love Yourself – I always emphasize the importance of practicing self-compassion. Be kind to yourself and give yourself grace. Allow yourself to be a compassionate witness to your experience.
- Rediscover your own identity- It is time to reconnect with your authentic self. Rediscover your interests, hobbies, and passions. You tend to neglect your own needs and lose sight of who you are when you are in a Codependent relationship. Work with a trained clinician and process unresolved trauma. Learn tools such as mindfulness, meditation, journalling, and breathing techniques learn to ground yourself and regulate.
- Positive Self-Talk- Start becoming aware of your self-talk. I encourage clients to journal or audio journal any negative things they say to themselves. This creates awareness of their inner-Critic. Once awareness is created you can begin to challenge your inner Critic and start to reframe with positive self-talk.
- Boundary Formation- I encourage my clients to start with setting small boundaries. My one client really didn’t enjoy going to live concerts, so she politely declined when her friends invited her to the next one. She did say that she would love to join them for another arrangement. Healthy boundary setting indicates that you value your rights and feelings.
- Join a Support Group – Facilitating support groups at Circles has provided a safe space allowing group members to connect from all over the world and share their experiences. These groups have provided resources and most importantly allowed members to feel heard, validated and not isolated.
Remember that recovery from codependency is a gradual process. Be patient with yourself. Celebrate small victories and keep on showing up for yourself because you are worth it!
