Even in good relationships, things can get complicated and tough. When one person focuses too much on making their partner happy and forgets about their own well-being, we might call this ‘codependency.’ It’s not a diagnostic term but instead describes a behavior pattern.
For a new client of mine, Jeff (not his real name), his recent eight-month relationship showed a troubling pattern in his life. Jeff, like many men, has often been codependent with a narcissistic partner. When a codependent person partners with a narcissist, it creates a toxic loop where the narcissist’s needs dominate.
Codependency means a person relies too much on their partner emotionally or mentally. This usually happens because the codependent person believes their worth comes from getting positive feedback and being needed. This can lead to a one-sided relationship where they feel resentful, suffer from low self-esteem, and lose their sense of self. They might always seek reassurance, avoid conflicts to keep the peace, or ignore their own needs and desires.
Narcissism involves a pattern of grandiosity, constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Narcissists often manipulate and exploit their partners, creating an imbalanced and unhealthy relationship.
Jeff has repeatedly been involved with partners who show narcissistic traits. He confided about his recent girlfriend, “I believed that she could become the partner I hoped for. At first, she said my attention was all that she had ever wanted from someone. Finally, someone who loved me for loving them! I thought that was what love and security and never having to be alone was all about.”
Jeff’s pattern can be traced back to his childhood. Growing up in a household where his emotional needs were often overlooked, he learned to prioritize others’ needs over his own. His father was hurt and bitter after Jeff’s mother left to be with a man she had an affair with. Jeff focused on trying to keep his father happy by being the ideal son. This difficult upbringing laid the groundwork for Jeff’s codependent tendencies, making him an ideal target for narcissistic partners. For Jeff, codependency seemed normal.
His partner often portrayed herself as a victim, explaining her manipulative behavior in ways that made Jeff feel sorry for her. Her constant need for attention meant she barely concealed her flirtations with other men. She often dressed provocatively and was secretive about her activities when they were apart. She exhibited deceitful behavior, such as texting with other men and trying to hide it from Jeff. This combination of manipulation and betrayal worsened Jeff’s feelings of anxiety and self-doubt.
A turning point was when Jeff recognized how awful he felt. He was anxious, depressed, restless when sleeping, and constantly worried about where his partner was, who she was with, and what she was doing. He had become isolated from his friends and family. He was overeating. The realization that this pattern was not new but a recurring theme in his life prompted him to seek help.
Jeff began collaborating with me as his coach to address his codependent behaviors. Initially, he wanted to know how he could change to better please his partner. Through our sessions, he learned to set boundaries and prioritize his own needs. Jeff was surprised when I explained that boundaries are his to decide, his responsibility to keep, and that he can be as flexible or as rigid as he wants to be with them.
Jeff also regularly attended a Circles group for people in codependent relationships. Sharing his experiences with others who understood his struggles provided him with a sense of validation and community.
Another critical step for Jeff was education. He immersed himself in podcasts and blog articles about codependency and narcissism. Knowledge became a powerful tool in his healing journey.
“I’ve learned that I can’t change anyone else, but I can change myself,” Jeff says.
Soon, the relationship changed for the better. One night Jeff walked in to find his girlfriend sending intimate photos to another. Jeff was hurt but not surprised. He didn’t blow up or demand that she leave right away. Instead, we talked about it at the next session. And then again, a week later. By then, she was gone more often. Feeling that he was being taken advantage of Jeff told her that she had to move. Within a day she had moved in with a new boyfriend. Over the weekend Jeff neatly packed her belongings into boxes and put them on the back porch. She and her boyfriend picked them up the next day.
“In the past, I would have blamed myself,” Jeff told me. “I would have thought I wasn’t good enough or that I didn’t do enough to make her stay. But this time, I realized it was about her choices. And so, I made my choice. This time I choose myself!”
Jeff continues to work on himself, focusing on rebuilding his self-esteem and understanding his own needs and boundaries. He has reconnected with friends and family, who are relieved to see him moving on.
This journey isn’t easy. Jeff is challenging a long history of codependent patterns and taking steps to change them. His progress reminds us that with self-awareness, support, and determination, it is possible to break free from unhealthy patterns and build the life and relationships we truly deserve.
