Dealing with a Narcissistic Husband

The narcissistic husband is a complex character who can be difficult to navigate, often exhibiting behaviors that lead the non-narcissistic spouse to feel frustrated and hurt. Living with someone with narcissistic personality disorder can profoundly negatively impact the relationship. Hard to identify, especially at first, the narcissistic husband is charming and seems self-assured, and calm, cool and collected. However, under the façade lies someone with a fragile ego and inconsistent self-esteem. This contradictory nature is confusing, and many times leads to inconsistent and harmful behaviors. But let’s back up for a moment to talk about narcissism in a nutshell. What is it?

Narcissism Is one of the most popular topics in psychology today. The term seems to be everywhere these days and all around us, people are using the term to label many of the people they know because of specific self-absorbed behaviors. But narcissism in terms of narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition that encompasses specific characteristics exhibited consistently over time. The primary characteristics include grandiose sense of self-importance, constant need for admiration and attention, lack of empathy, controlling and exploitative behavior, superiority and arrogance. 

Does your husband fit into this mold?

Identifying a narcissistic husband can be challenging, especially in the early stages of the relationship when narcissists can be charismatic and attentive. However, over time, the knight in shining armor starts to show cracks and the toxic behavior patterns begin to emerge.  Here are some key signs to look out for:

1. Sense of Self-Importance and Grandiosity and Self-Importance:
   • Overexaggerating his achievements or outright lying about his talents or experiences to be seen as special
   • Demanding to be recognized as superior without earning the respect and recognition 
2. Lack of Empathy:
   • Inability to feel for another person´s suffering or see another perspective. Unwillingness to acknowledge when he has hurt another’s’ feelings
3. Need for Admiration:
   • The need to be the center of attention at all costs, demanding to be put on a pedestal and surrounding oneself with others they deem superior and special
4. Manipulative and Controlling Behavior:
   • This can take many forms including gaslighting or making their partner start to question their sanity. Other behaviors could be playing the victim in a situation in which they are actually the perpetrator or being overly controlling of their partner’s behavior, looks, and limiting the partner’s interactions with family and friends. 
5. Entitlement and Exploitative Behavior:
   • Expecting special favors and unquestioning obedience in meeting their expectations and using others to achieve their own ends.
6. Arrogance and Superiority:
   • Criticizing, acting superior and showing disdain for those they consider inferior.

The narcissistic cycle of abuse

Along with the characteristics described above, there is usually a pattern of love bombing, devaluing and discarding that is often repeated in the relationship. This cycle of showering the non-narcissistic spouse with extreme and extravagant attention and gifts along with putting the spouse on a pedestal makes the non-narcissist spouse feel special and admired. Soon though, criticism leaks in and the non-narcissistic spouse is devalued and mocked for imperfections or less than perfect behavior, some of which is non-existent. After, comes the discard phase in which the husband abandons or isolates the spouse, turning a cold shoulder and leaving the spouse to wonder what he-she-they did wrong. This pattern leads to trauma bonding as it is repeated over and over throughout the marriage.

My husband fits this NPD description. What now?

Navigating the narcissistic husband is challenging and requires a set of skills and coping strategies that aim to protect you, the spouse, while maintaining a sense of balance and peace. A few tried and true coping techniques include: 

• Establishing or re-establishing your values. What is important to you? What things do you like to do? Do you remember? If not, this is a good place to start. Once we know or remember our values, we can:
• Create boundaries, the line in the sand of what behaviors we will tolerate. Narcissists detest boundaries so standing strong is important because they will do everything to derail them. 
• Maintain a sense of independence. Narcissists may try to control and limit social networks and family time. It is important to continue to engage in activities with people with whom you have a connection. 
• Educate yourself on narcissism and the impacts of narcissistic relationships on marriages. Become familiar with some of the leading psychologists and theories on narcissism. Just knowing how narcissists operate can help you feel empowered to better handle situations as they arise and deal with the emotional fallout from the toxic behavior of your husband.
• Self-care needs to become a priority for those maneuvering marriage to a narcissistic husband. Positive self-talk (out loud), meditating, exercise, proper nutrition and restful sleep are all important aspects of making yourself a priority. 
• Seek support from a therapist, trusted friend, life coach or a support group such as Circles online emotional support can help bring a sense of normalcy and belonging. 
• Set realistic expectations. This is a hard one as many people ask if it is possible for a narcissist to change. The answer is: it depends, but is not likely as narcissists are known to blame shift onto their victims and they don’t see themselves as being the problem. 

Experts Weigh In: Advice from Psychologists

Experts in psychology offer valuable insights and advice on dealing with a narcissistic husband:

1. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and expert on narcissistic relationships, emphasizes the importance of radical acceptance. She advises partners to accept the narcissist for who they are and not harbor illusions of significant change. This acceptance can reduce frustration and help partners make informed decisions about their future.
2. Dr. Elinor Greenberg, a psychologist and author of “Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations,” recommends focusing on self-validation. She suggests that partners of narcissists often feel invalidated and should work on recognizing and validating their own feelings and experiences.
3. Dr. Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist and author of “Rethinking Narcissism,” advises maintaining emotional distance. He suggests creating emotional and physical space from the narcissist to protect oneself from constant manipulation and control.
4. Dr. Les Carter, a psychotherapist specializing in narcissistic abuse, highlights the importance of assertive communication. He encourages partners to communicate their needs and boundaries clearly and consistently, without expecting the narcissist to fully understand or respect them.
5. Dr. Wendy Behary, a psychotherapist and author of “Disarming the Narcissist,” emphasizes the use of empathic confrontation. She suggests confronting the narcissist with a combination of empathy and firmness, acknowledging their.

Deciding to Stay or Leave

When is it time to leave? This is a question for which only you have the answer and every situation and decision is a deeply personal and complex decision. Here are some factors to consider:

1. Personal Well-Being:
   • Assess the impact of the relationship on your mental, emotional, and physical health. If the relationship is causing significant harm, leaving may be the best option for your well-being.
2. Safety:
   • If there is any form of abuse (emotional, psychological, or physical), prioritizing your safety and seeking help is crucial. Contact a local domestic violence organization for support and resources.
3. Children:
   • Consider the impact of the relationship on your children. Growing up in a toxic environment can have long-term psychological effects. If possible, seek professional guidance on how to navigate this aspect.
4. Financial Independence:
   • Evaluate your financial situation and consider the implications of staying or leaving. Ensure you have access to financial resources and support if you decide to leave.
5. Support System:
   • Lean on close confidants, family and outside sources such as therapists, life coaches and support groups like Circles that offer online emotional support to connect others who are or have experienced similar situations to help strengthen your resolve and add a layer of accountability. 

The bottom line to life with a narcissistic husband is that it challenges and fraught with obstacles and challenges that are personal and impactful. Regardless of whether a spouse decides that they are armed with the right coping mechanisms and determination to stay in the relationship or if they choose to leave to start a new life focused on their own happiness and peace, it is important to know and believe that you have value and deserve to live the best version of life you have envisioned for yourself. Know that there is support out there to help you navigate these turbulent waters. You are not alone.