Self-Esteem, Self- Confidence and Self-Worth
People often confuse self-esteem and self-confidence; they are similar, but so different. Self-esteem is how you appreciate and value yourself; this changes over the course of your life as you experience different things and meet different people. Self-confidence is your belief in yourself and your abilities.
Basically, self-esteem is what we think, feel and believe about ourselves. Self-confidence, while not an overall evaluation of ourselves, is our confidence in what we can do. Self-worth is the core of our very self that judges our worthiness and value as a human being.
10 Warning Signs that Self-Worth is Lacking
- Feeling uncomfortable or self-conscious around others.
- Avoidance of new places, relationships, or situations.
- A history of abusive or neglectful relationships where basic needs are often unmet.
- Seeking validation from others; a constant need for reassurance.
- Settling for shallow or unfulfilling relationships.
- Deep feelings of shame or not feeling “good enough”.
- Discomfort with or inability to accept compliments from others.
- People-pleasing behavior.
- Sensitive to criticism or a fear of being judged by others.
- Social anxiety or fear of being judged as unworthy.
In a toxic relationship, we are often stripped of all of the above and when we finally are free of the relationship and realize we have lost who we used to be and we feel lost. We don’t know where to start to find ourselves again. You begin to learn that it’s all a circle; low self- esteem leads to low self- confidence, low self-confidence leads to low self-worth, low self-worth leads to low self-love and low self-love leads to no self care.
Critical Inner Voice
Often, as we grow, we find that our wounds have roots from childhood trauma and as we heal, we tend to have an inner critic, or an inner voice who holds us back on our healing journey.
As Dr. Lisa Firestone explained in her article “7 Reasons Most People Are Afraid of Love,” we all have a “critical inner voice which acts like a cruel coach inside our heads that tells us we are worthless or undeserving of happiness. This coach is shaped from painful childhood experiences and critical attitudes we were exposed to early in life as well as feelings our parents had about themselves. While these attitudes can be hurtful, over time, they have become ingrained in us. As adults, we may fail to see them as an enemy, instead accepting their destructive point of view as our own.
During this journey, we learn to stop listening to this voice because it undermines us…it has become the voice of disdain and discomfort. Our goal is to make this “voice” see us for who we are and what we are truly worth!
There are a couple of things you must do for yourself that are imperative to success:
1. You must have grace–this means when you mess up, be kind to yourself– you haven’t failed, you made a mistake, you are human. Start over.
2. Practice your affirmations. Repeat them in the mirror, there is something about hearing your voice, which used to be silent, and watching your mouth, say powerful things.
3. Stop worrying about what other people think of you, let them believe what they want. You won’t change their mind and you can’t control them.
4. Add meaning to your life: helping others, volunteering, for example, offers a huge boost to your self-worth. Researcher Dr. Jennifer Crocker suggests that you find a goal that is bigger than the self. As Dr. Robert Firestone says, “Investing energy in transcendent goals and activities that extend beyond one’s self interest, for example, contributing to a humanitarian cause or trying, in some way, to improve the lot of future generations, helps build self-esteem.”
5. Act on your principals. Remember your core beliefs, these will help you remember your roots; the old adage speaks volumes, actions speak louder than words. Dr. Firestone says when our actions don’t match our words, not only are we not true to ourselves, but we are more vulnerable to attacks from our inner critic and much more likely to disrespect ourselves.
6. Trust yourself. Bottom line. I am sure at one time or another, maybe more often than not, you have asked yourself, “Am I really amazing? Am I really as cool as people say I am?” As we are having these thoughts, we are automatically shutting it down and not even allowing it to sink in, so we are essentially instantly rejecting it. What we instinctively do next is seek external validation from the wrong sources, ie, toxic people. Sometimes we need to listen to our inner critic, sometimes it tells the truth.
We can challenge this inner critic by following these simple steps, although it takes time and practice, like anything else that we put effort into, once we start to see change our self-esteem, self-confidence, self-respect, self-love and self-worth will begin to improve and fall into place and begin to become second nature.
*PsychCentral (2020, June)
