The Borderline-Narcissist Couple: Chemistry or Catastrophe?

The Borderline-Narcissistic couple presents a complex, magnetic and often destructive, relationship dynamic. It is important to understand the aspects that are at play with this couple as each personality poses its own unique traits and challenges that are at odds with the other persons’ traits and style of interacting.  On the surface, these two personalities can seem to be very similar and often share some superficial characteristics such a constant need for attention, unrealistic expectations, sense of entitlement, sensitivity to criticism and unstable relationships, but underneath outward appearances, their individual needs stem from different origins. 

#1 app for narcissistic abuse group support

Start feeling better

Defining Traits of the Borderline-Narcissistic Couple

For the borderline personality, there are a lot of emotional highs and lows, exaggerated and unstable mood swings, internal feelings of emptiness, need for validation and fear of abandonment. Often, there is a need to be in a relationship to feel a sense of purpose and completeness, to feel value as a person. The borderline personality frequently tests their partner’s love and commitment to the relationship in maladaptive ways that can manifest in volatile, angry and threatening actions that have the opposite effect on the relationship that the borderline wants, which is to push away their partners instead of drawing them deeper into the relationship. These types of behaviors can lead to complicated and short-lived relationships. 

Although the narcissist also has a fear of abandonment and a need for admiration and validation, their need comes from feelings of emptiness and desire to fill their vessel by someone they deem to be worthy of their time and admiration. They have very shallow reasons for being in the relationship and when their unrealistic expectations are not met, they often turn their attention away from the relationship and look for other sources of narcissistic ‘supply.’

What Draws Borderline and Narcissistic Personalities Together

The attraction between these two personalities can be quick and all-consuming. The borderline partner sees the narcissist as confident and self-assured and as someone who can counterbalance their own insecurities and codependence. The borderline lives for love, often swiftly attaching to another person as a mechanism to treat their loneliness, emptiness and shifting self-image and since they have difficulty detaching and leaving the relationship due to the fear of abandonment, they are usually the ones who get left in the relationship. Conversely, the narcissistic partner can use the borderline partner as a ‘supply’ to fulfill their constant need for validation. Narcissists seek partners who enhance their self-image. Since this need is constant, there is no motivation to get to know someone well before diving into a relationship. As long as the borderline partner fulfills the requirement of being high status, special and the narcissist finds the person attractive, they will go all-in with the relationship rapidly. Unfortunately, since the connection was based on superficial qualities, once the novelty and excitement of the relationship fades, the reality of the partner’s real self and flaws sets in, and the narcissist will often leave the relationship as quickly as they started it to find validation elsewhere to a more ‘compatible partner who better fits the role that the narcissist is looking for. Learn more about NPD and BPD in a Relationship: Understanding the Complex Dynamics.

Can a Relationship Between Borderline and Narcissistic Personalities Work?

Realistically, the borderline-narcissistic couple want different things from the relationship; the borderline partner is usually seeking unconditional love and constant reassurance that fills their lack of self-esteem. The narcissistic partner wants and needs continual ego inflation from their mate.

This dance is enthralling in the beginning stages of the relationship, each person love bombing the other, putting each other on a pedestal, idealizing the relationship, feeling the euphoria of meeting ‘The One.’ As the relationship unfolds, revealing each other’s imperfections, both individuals become dissatisfied with the relationship status and the push-pull of the borderline-narcissistic personalities start to clash. The borderline partner pulling the narcissist partner in and the narcissistic partner pulling away. The lack of communication and intimacy skills from both parties causes emotional conflict that leave both parties disillusioned and unsatisfied. Ultimately, the relationship usually ends badly.

Healing and Moving Forward from a Borderline-Narcissistic Relationship

So, given the dynamics of the catastrophic relationship cycle between these two individuals, how does one or both move forward towards healing? Both individuals with either borderline or narcissistic personality disorder can greatly benefit from therapy. The borderline personality, in particular, often has success with dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which is a style of therapy that focuses on developing and growing emotional self-regulation, interpersonal communication, and distress tolerance. Schema-Focused Therapy is also used to treat both NPD and BPD. This type of therapy targets changing deeply held negative beliefs. Read more about How to Survive a Narcissistic Relationship and Thrive,

For those individuals with NPD, Transference-Focused Psychotherapy (TFP), can be effective in helping the narcissist learn to transfer feelings about another person or experience to see themselves or others in a different perspective. Likewise, Mentalization-Based Therapy (MBT), can be beneficial to someone with NPD as it helps the narcissist understand people and their feelings, which is a challenge for those who suffer from narcissism. Lastly, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), has shown promise in treating those with NPD as most narcissists have suffered from some sort of childhood trauma. The treatment helps patients process and compartmentalize their existing trauma while engaging in guided eye movements as they discuss the traumatic events.  

Regardless of the path to healing someone chooses, the key is to be open to healing, embracing emotions without judgment and establishing new boundaries while taking the time to focus on self. Often, this means going ‘no-contact’ with the former partner and others who pose a challenge to our mental and emotional wellness. Learning that the world is a safe place and understanding how to navigate it in a more positive manner is achievable for anyone who is willing to try.