Introduction
If you’re here, chances are you’ve been questioning your reality and wondering if gaslighting might be the reason. It’s not always easy to recognize, especially when the person behind it is someone you trust or care about. Gaslighting, especially when paired with narcissistic traits, isn’t just about manipulation—it’s about control and slowly eroding your confidence until you don’t know which way is up. Maybe it’s coming from a partner, a family member, or even a boss. Regardless of who it is, what matters most is understanding what’s happening and how it’s affecting you. Let’s break this down so you can start making sense of it and find a way forward.
Defining Gaslighting and Narcissism
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation centered around making the victim doubt themselves and their perceptions or reality. This is not a one time lie, but a manipulation that happens over time. The perpetrator, in our case, the narcissist – uses tactics like denial, contradiction and lying to gaslight you into thinking you’re wrong.
Narcissism is a mental health condition that involves an inflated sense of self importance and typically a notable lack of empathy for others. “People with NPD display extreme confidence while also being unable to gracefully accept even small criticisms or complaints (Talkspace).” Narcissists mask their insecurity with this confidence, though they struggle with even the slightest bit of criticism.
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Understanding the Gaslighter Narcissist
With a narcissist, a person who sees themselves as superior to others, with a constant need for validation and attention, gaslighting is often used to control others. This sense of control allows the narcissist to put others down in an attempt to boost their own image.
Common Tactics Used by Gaslighting Narcissists
- Denial of Reality
- Even when you know something to be true, and even if you have proof, your reality is questioned, challenged, and/or dismissed.
- Blame Shifting
- Regardless of the situation or who is at fault, a narcissist will always avoid accountability at all costs by pointing a finger at you or others. This stems from their inability to accept perceived criticisms, and their challenges with their views of self-worth.
- Withholding Information
- It’s easy to misunderstand a situation when you don’t have all the facts or information. A narcissist may withhold information in order to control the narrative or skew your perceptions of it.
- Trivializing Emotions
- Your emotions will always be seen as trivial and unimportant. A narcissist may dismiss or minimize your feelings to leave you feeling vulnerable, making it difficult to stand up for yourself or address them, particularly if it comes at a perceived cost to them.
Recognizing the Signs of Narcissistic Gaslighting
- Constant self-doubt and second-guessing oneself.
- Feeling confused or “crazy” due to the partner’s contradictory statements.
- Apologizing frequently, even when not at fault.
- Difficulty making decisions without the partner’s approval.
- Feeling isolated from friends and family.
These tactics are intended to make their victims question their reality and see themselves as unreliable, forcing them to rely on the narcissist and making you dependent on their validation (Talkspace). The goal is to make you easy to manipulate, as someone who lacks confidence or a support system tends to be less likely to leave or advocate for themselves.
The Psychological Impact of Being Gaslighted
Gaslighting leads to a learned sense of helplessness, which can make it difficult to make decisions. There is a notable lack of confidence as a result, and your trust in yourself may diminish. Many victims of narcissistic abuse like gaslighting find themselves struggling with mental challenges like depression, anxiety and even PTSD. Tactics like gaslighting should be taken seriously, as they can do serious damage over time.
When people realize they’ve been gaslit, sometimes for years, there is often a sense of regret and shame. It’s completely normal to feel that way, but I want you to know that being gaslit says nothing about your strength or intelligence—it says everything about the person who chose to manipulate you. Gaslighting is designed to make you doubt yourself, and the fact that it worked doesn’t mean you’re weak; it means they were incredibly persistent in their tactics. What matters now is that you’ve started to see the truth, and that’s not easy. Recognizing what’s happened is a huge step toward healing, and you don’t have to feel ashamed for trusting someone—it shows you have a good heart. None of this is your fault, and you deserve compassion, especially from yourself, as you move forward.
Effective Coping Strategies and Steps to Take
- Establish Boundaries: Clearly define acceptable behaviors and stand firm against manipulative tactics.
- Seek Support: Connect with trusted friends, family, or support groups to validate your experiences.
- Document Interactions: Keep records of conversations and incidents to maintain clarity and have evidence if needed.
- Consult Professionals: Engage with therapists or counselors experienced in dealing with narcissistic abuse for guidance and healing.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
- How does gaslighting affect a person’s mental health?
Gaslighting can lead to challenges like chronic anxiety, depression, and a sense of self-doubt. - Can gaslighting occur in family relationships as well as romantic ones?
Yes, absolutely. Gaslighting can occur in all kinds of relationships from family and friends to professional settings. - How can I confront a gaslighting narcissist without escalating the situation?
It’s best to remain calm, use factual evidence when you can, and set clear boundaries. However, be prepared for push back. Narcissists hate accountability. It’s often better to avoid these confrontations if you can, with the understanding that they will likely be unwilling to see the truth regardless of evidence or facts. - Are there specific phrases or actions that indicate gaslighting is happening?
You can look out for common phrases like:
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “That never happened.”
- “It’s just a joke.”
- “You’re too sensitive.”
You might also see them consistently contradicting or dismissing your feelings and perceptions.
Exploring the Role of Trauma Bonds in Narcissistic Relationships
A trauma bond is a form of attachment that develops when the victim forms an emotional attachment to the abuser as a result of reinforcement of reward and punishment. This can make it hard to leave the relationship, even though there is hurt and abuse. For more on trauma bonding, The Attachment Project does a good job of diving into the relationship between trauma bonding and narcissism.
Understanding the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse exists in a cycle, and it looks something like this:
- Idealization: The narcissist showers the victim with affection and praise.
- Devaluation: Sudden withdrawal of affection as criticism and manipulation begin to take its place.
- Discard: The narcissist abandons the victim, leaving them behind and feeling worthless.
- Hoovering: The cycle begins again as the narcissist tries to come back to the victim to take control once again.
Recognizing Subtle Signs of Emotional Manipulation
The signs of emotional manipulation can be tough to spot right away, since it can happen so gradually over time. Maybe you start to notice that your thoughts and feelings are being dismissed, or that you’re being told something didn’t happen that you are certain did. Gaslighting, guilt trips, and subtle jabs are common. If you spend a lot of time walking on eggshells or doubting your own perceptions, it’s a sign something isn’t right.
Meet Circles: Supporting Your Recovery from Narcissistic Gaslighting
For people struggling with gaslighting or narcissism, Circles is here to help you understand what you went through and start the healing process. There is nothing more validating than hearing from people who have gone through the same thing – some who have even made their way over the hump in healing. You deserve to be heard, and a support group like Circles is here for you.
Conclusion
Healing from narcissistic abuse takes time and patience, but every small step forward matters. Recognizing the signs, setting boundaries, and seeking support can help you rebuild your confidence and regain control over your life. You don’t have to go through this alone—healing is possible, and you deserve it.