How to End a Relationship with a Narcissist Safely

Are you in a relationship with a narcissistic partner and are looking for a way to leave before things get worse? This article explores the signs you need to pay attention to and decide when it’s time to walk away. Learn the steps to safely end a relationship with a narcissist, protect yourself, and begin healing with this practical expert guide.

Recognizing When It’s Time to Leave a Narcissistic Partner

Being in a toxic relationship with a narcissist is emotionally crippling and can, in certain circumstances, be physically dangerous. To add context, a narcissist is a mental health disorder characterized by personality traits including a lack of empathy for other peoples’ feelings, grandiose sense of self, zero tolerance of criticism, and a constant need for admiration from those that the narcissist deems to be special and of high value. Often their friendships and relationships are troubled and emotionally draining.

Since the narcissist refuses to take responsibility for their actions and look to deflect any blame for their actions even in the face of hard proof coupled with narcissistic rages and inability to self-reflect or self-regulate when things don’t go their way, it is extremely difficult to cultivate any sense of balance and peace within the relationship after the love bombing (or what experts might call the honeymoon phase) wears off and reality sets in. When the narcissist starts to see their partner’s true self, flaws and all, they will start the devaluing phase, in which the pedestal that they had their partner on crumbles along with their conditional love and affection.  Most often, their partners are left devastated by the unforeseen and abrupt behavior changes and internalize the narcissist’s behavior as something that he or she did wrong. They walk on eggshells, not wanting to incite any more negativity from the narcissistic partner. And so begins the dance of push-pull and trying to please the narcissist to make them shine their love on the partner again. The non-narcissist partner will usually try several different methods to regain the love and attention of the narcissist, often second-guessing their words, actions and changing themselves to fit back into the ‘perfect’ image that the narcissistic partner expects. While this may work for a short while, in the long run, it’s a losing game in which the non-narcissist ends up losing their entire sense of worth and identity until they no longer remember who they are, what they like and dislike and what their values are.

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Preparing to End the Relationship with a Narcissist

Once the non-narcissist sees the authentic face of a narcissistic partner and the reality that this toxic cycle is never-ending, many start the complex and difficult process of ending the relationship. Honestly, for many, this is difficult and can involve leaving more than once. The key here is to realize that this is truly a disorder and that you cannot change them. They are not likely to seek treatment either because they don’t view themselves as having a problem; you have the problem, and you are the one who needs fixing in their narrative. Learn more about the emotional and practical steps of how to leave a narcissist. 

Essential Steps for Breaking Up with a Narcissist

The first step in the breakup is to take stock of your needs and prioritize them. Safety, security and emotional wellbeing and if there are children involved, prioritize their safety as well.

Second, create an exit plan and set boundaries. Expect fallout from the narcissist when you execute the plan. A great way to help you stay focused on the plan is to write a brief script saying as little as possible about why you are leaving and stick to it. Limit conversation around the talking points. Stay calm and non-reactive, even if your partner reacts poorly to the news you are leaving. In extreme cases, you may need to either have a supporter with you or be physically in a different location from the narcissist when delivering the message. Remember, your safety is primary and over 400 studies have shown that even every day, garden variety narcissists can become aggressive so be smart and on guard.

Regardless of your words, once the rage dies down, the narcissist will inevitably try to emotionally manipulate and pull you back in. Don’t be fooled, this tactic is solely to fulfill their need to control the situation and is for their benefit. It is not because they love you and can’t live without you.

Another step is to have a strong support system on standby, ready to help you navigate the emotional warfare within and from the narcissist. Having at least one confidante whom you trust to remind you of all the issues and toxicity that accompanied your relationship is essential in staying the course of moving forward after the break-up. This can be tricky as many people suffer alone in their relationships with narcissists because they isolate their partners from family and friends, often forcing the non-narcissistic partner to rely completely on them for support. Staying connected or reconnecting with our tribe is an important part of healing and staying strong when leaving. Writing down all of the negative and hurtful events and traits can really come in handy in the healing process as well.

What to Expect When You End the Relationship with a Narcissist

It is imperative to understand that ending the relationship is going to be challenging and emotionally fraught with a variety of emotions from guilt, shame and loneliness to confusion and sadness and finally, to acceptance and even self-love. Don’t be surprised when the narcissist starts the hoovering phase, trying to suck you back into the relationship with love bombing and promises to change, to become the person you wanted them to be all along. Hoovering is a manipulation tactic to reassert their power and control over their victims to continue the cycle of abuse.

If the narcissist threatens you after leaving the relationship, call 911 and report it so there is documented proof of the threat. Please take this seriously and keep yourself and your children and other loved ones at a safe distance. Deleting your location finder on your phone, blocking the narcissist from all social media accounts, informing your family of the situation and cutting off all contact with the narcissist is recommended. If possible, stay in some place that the narcissist is unaware of and does not have access to you. Do not suffer alone or in silence.

How Do I Move On Emotionally

Regardless of how it all ends, experts strongly recommend therapy to help you unpack the trauma caused by the toxicity and to learn your own negative behavior patterns and maladaptive coping mechanisms in relationships. Re-aligning your values and learning to establish healthy boundaries and personal goals that involve self-compassion, knowledge and acceptance are key components to healing and moving on to forge healthier relationships in the future. A therapist can also help you cope with feelings of shame for having stayed so long or guilty that the narcissist imposed on you. They can teach you techniques to help you stop ruminating on the relationship and start focusing on your new future. Read more about surviving narcissistic abuse. 

Forcing yourself to get out of your head and re-engage with things you once enjoyed is a powerful tool in healing. Getting outside in nature, guided mediations and other self-love activities can boost your mental wellbeing and help you connect with other people, re-establishing your social circle.

Another excellent way to heal is to surround yourself with other people who are going through similar situations and who understand the complex minefield of emotions that you are feeling. Joining a support group such as Circles Emotional Support online is highly recommended to commune with other people who know what it is like to separate yourself from your narcissistic partner. Circles Narcissistic Relationship & Divorce Group Support can help you feel validated and supported.

Whichever road you choose in your quest to leave the narcissistic relationship, please put your safety first and know that healing is waiting for you. The path is tough, but manageable with work, time, support and love; you will make it, you are a bright star waiting to shine bright again.