Am I in a relationship with a narcissist? More and more people are asking themselves this question. There are signs all around us when we are in a relationship with a narcissist, but often they are easy to ignore and pass off as personality quirks or other behavior issues. After awhile though, these signs and behaviors start to add up to identifiable behavior patterns that become more difficult to pass off as normal. Let’s explore some of these key characteristics of narcissistic partners so you can learn to spot them and learn to navigate the impacts of being in a relationship with this type of person.
What defines narcissistic behaviors in a relationship?
This is often where some detective work comes in become most narcissists are really good at manipulating their surroundings and people. Narcissists have some common traits among them and the behavior patterns go in cycles. The first stage of being in a relationship with a narcissist is the love bombing stage in which the narcissist showers their mate with loads of compliments, gifts, phone calls and messages. It feels like a whirlwind and it is easy to get swept off your feet. Narcissists will make their target feel like the most special person in the world and that the narcissist can’t live without them. The pedestal is high and so is the fall that follows.
The second stage is the devaluing stage. This is where things start going downhill. The cute and endearing behaviors and traits that the non-narcissist partner once had now have become a point of criticism and disdain to the narcissist, bringing confusion and hurt to the relationship. The narcissist starts to withdraw their love and attention, turning cold and inattentive. The non-narcissist partner often internalizes this stage as being their fault and tries to remake themselves to please the narcissist. The non-narcissist starts to question their worth and self-esteem starts to plummet in trying to make the narcissistic partner happy again. This pattern leads to the final stage of discard.
Discarding is the final stage in the narcissistic behavior cycle and is marked by the narcissist abandoning the relationship emotionally and physically, often without warning. The non-narcissist is often left to pick up the pieces of their broken lives. What typically follows is hoovering, which is when the narcissist comes back around to try to hook the non-narcissist back into the relationship, forming the beginnings of a trauma bond. This cycle usually continues until the narcissist moves on to find a new supply or the non-narcissist becomes resolved to leave and cut off all ties to the narcissist.
Within the confines of these cycles lies a myriad of toxic behavior perpetrated by the narcissist. Some the key identifiers of a narcissist in the relationship are things such as:
- Gaslighting: The narcissist will make their partner feel like they are losing their minds by manipulating them and lying, denying reality at all costs, even when faced with evidence of the lie
- Controlling behavior: Narcissists fear abandonment and often use control and manipulation to isolate their partner to only rely on them for support, only to pull it away. Many narcissists will pull on their partner’s emotional heartstrings by playing the victim in many situations, making the non-narcissist feel like they are to blame for everything that goes wrong. Narcissists do not take responsibility for their hurtful actions are masters at turning around any situation to protect their egos.
- Lack of empathy for their partner’s needs: narcissists are egocentric and are singularly focused on getting their needs met at all costs. They have a need to be in the limelight, feel special and surround themselves with those that they deem worthy of their company. If someone shows a weakness or a flaw, the narcissist will use the opportunity to devalue and degrade the person, showing disgust or apathy for the individual as this is a reflection of weakness, which narcissists abhor.
- Narcissistic rage: When a narcissist does not get their way, they often lash out with what is called Narcissistic Rage. This behavior can be moderate to violent depending on the narcissist. This is a destructive reaction to control the partner and cajole the partner to give in to the narcissist’s desires.
Impact on the Relationship
The negative impact of narcissistic behavior has far-reaching toxic implications for the relationship. The emotional rollercoaster is difficult for anyone to navigate. The feeling of walking on eggshells, never knowing what mood the narcissist will be in or what unimportant detail will set them off into a rage becomes almost impossible to bear. These are common responses from partners and ex-partners of narcissists. The hit to the non-narcissist’s self-esteem is heavy, often lasting months and even years after the relationship has ended. Most ex-partners report that they lost themselves completely because their entire life revolves around the narcissist and trying to get back to the feeling of the love bombing stage, in which everything was beautiful, and they were special.
For those who choose to stay in the relationship, it is important to learn to handle the relationship, staying focused on your own mental and emotional wellness, establishing healthy boundaries that protect and nurture your own self-worth. Choose activities outside of the relationship that strengthen your values and reinforce your talents and confidence. Regularly engaging in social outings with friends and family can be reassuring and a great break from the stresses of the relationship.
Another key aspect of managing a relationship with a narcissist is to acquire as much knowledge on narcissism as possible is helpful along with executing coping techniques such as grey or yellowing rocking, in which the non-narcissist becomes as uninteresting as possible, choosing to show little emotion and limiting reactions and responses to inflammatory narcissistic behaviors by their partner. Seek out experts in the field of narcissism including Dr. Ramani, who is a seasoned professional and has many videos on YouTube to help guide you.
Time To Leave
People often wonder when it is time to leave a narcissistic relationship. The answer is when it feels right to do so. Any time that a relationship feels dangerous, violent, or overwhelming to the non-narcissistic partner or self-esteem tanks and your wellbeing is threatened, it may be time to exit and cut all ties with the narcissist. This is not always easy or safe, depending on the level of narcissism exhibited by the narcissist. It is always a good idea to create a safety plan before leaving the situation and have a support team in place to help with the extraction. It is difficult for most partners to go ´no contact´ with a narcissistic partner at first so having our accountability partners on standby to help us stay strong is key. This could include trusted friends, healthy family members, co-workers, therapists and our support group members. Using apps like Circles Online Support groups can help bolster your confidence and provide a safe place to talk and listen to other peoples’ experiences. Understanding the behaviors and likelihood that the narcissist will try to return to suck you back into the relationship and start the toxic cycle again and again is important so you can protect yourself and steer clear of the landmine. This is not an easy task but realizing that a narcissistic partner is unlikely to change can help you move on. Narcissists do not see themselves as the problem so therefore there is no need to change. Even promises of going to therapy are usually to find out what is wrong with YOU and not them and to convince you and the therapist that you need help. Don’t fall into this trap. There is a point that we need to come to a place of acceptance that, regardless of how the narcissist personality came to be, the reality is that you are dealing with the aftermath, and it is not likely to be any different if you stay.
Remember that, regardless of whether you stay in the relationship or choose to leave and move on to a healthier relationship, know that you matter and you deserve happiness. I gently encourage you to seek whatever help you need from outside sources to heal and give yourself time to process the trauma and know that you have the inner strength and value to stand in your truth and live the life you want.
