Introduction
If you’re reading this, you are likely wondering if what you’re experiencing is narcissistic abuse. It’s important to note that people can experience this type of abuse from people with narcissistic traits, even if they’re not a diagnosed narcissist. The bottom line is the treatment you’re experiencing from this person, and how it may impact you. For some people, it’s their romantic partner, for others it’s a parent, but it can also be a co-worker, boss or friend that is showing signs of narcissism and treating you poorly. Let’s dig into what narcissism and narcissistic traits look like, and how to tackle the abuse if that is what you’re experiencing.
Understanding Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse by someone with narcissistic traits or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) (Talkspace). This type of abuse can be debilitating, since the methods used tend to center around manipulation, gaslighting, and control tactics. This stems from a narcissist’s deep need for admiration and their lack of empathy. Naturally, their needs will always come first—hence the common idea that a narcissist’s world revolves around them. While there are some misconceptions about narcissism, that part is true, and victims of their abuse often find their needs disregarded and rarely met, a need to constantly walk on eggshells, and experience constant criticism. This can take a significant toll, both mentally and physically.
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Common Signs of Narcissistic Abuse
- Gaslighting and Manipulation
- One of the most common and prominent forms of narcissistic abuse is gaslighting. You’ve probably heard this term thrown around often, but what does it mean? Gaslighting is a form of manipulation used “to force you into thinking your thoughts and feelings are incorrect” (PsychCentral). Are you told you remember things incorrectly or constantly told you’re wrong? This is a great example of gaslighting.
- Isolation from Friends and Family
- We often see people with narcissistic tendencies seek to isolate their partner or victim. This allows for maximum control and manipulation, as you will have little to no support and few outside perspectives to lean on.
- Constant Criticism and Degradation
- Is a finger always being pointed in your direction? A narcissist may also find ways, big or small, to tear you down. This could mean devaluing your accomplishments, making you feel inadequate, or placing blame on you for anything that goes wrong, with no accountability themselves.
- Emotional Blackmail and Coercion
- Emotional blackmail is another form of control wherein the abuser gives a demand, sometimes under the false guise of a “request”, with the threat of consequences or punishment. This tactic uses emotions to threaten the victim. For example, they might say, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t spend time with your friends tonight”, in order to coerce you into staying home.
- Unpredictable Mood Swings
- Someone with narcissistic traits might exhibit mood swings as the result of perceived slights or criticism, or lack of attention.This may push them from feeling confident and superior to defensive and angry easily.
The Psychological Impact of Narcissistic Abuse
The “walking on eggshells” feeling might be particularly familiar to someone who is experiencing narcissistic abuse. The need to constantly tiptoe around the narcissist, to avoid or diffuse arguments, possibly by giving in or ignoring one’s own needs, are all outcomes of the abuse. The victim of the abuse is left bearing the weight of constant criticism, gaslighting, frequent blame, and an inability to set boundaries or get their needs met, to name a few consequences. This abuse can cause just about anyone to struggle with confidence, self-esteem, and trust, among other things. What’s more, some people may suffer from C-PTSD as a result. Narcissistic abuse is harmful and can have lasting effects, which is why it’s so important to recognize the signs and take action so you can start your healing.
Steps to Take if You Recognize These Signs
When possible, it is often best to cut contact with the narcissist. This gives you a chance to focus on yourself and begin healing. However, we know this is not always possible, so limiting contact can be a helpful next step. This might also mean learning to set boundaries, if this is unfamiliar to you. Boundaries are crucial for protecting your mental health. They don’t exist to punish others, but instead they are there to establish what you are, and are not, willing to accept moving forward. For more on boundaries, you can read my article here. I also recommend engaging in self-care, building up your support network, and finding support from experts like therapists or support groups.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
- What are the long-term effects of narcissistic abuse?
- Victims can suffer from anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder as a result. It may also be difficult to regulate emotions, which can lead to mood swings, anger outbursts, or emotional numbness as a result of these mental health issues.
- Can a narcissist change their behavior?
- It is very unlikely, though not impossible, for a narcissist to change their behavior. In order to change, they need to first recognize the problem(s), and decide to take action. This would likely include therapy and a lot of hard work. However, I want to emphasize how important it is to understand that this can only happen if they want to change..
- What should I do if I suspect a friend is in a narcissistically abusive relationship?
- If a friend may be in a narcissistic relationship, the best approach is to listen without judgment, validate their feelings, and encourage them to seek professional help. I definitely recommend continuing to educate yourself about narcissism to better understand the situation, as well as to build a strong support network around this friend.
- How can therapy help in recovering from narcissistic abuse?
- Therapy after narcissistic abuse can be life changing for some. Therapy provides a safe space to process the traumatic experiences, understand the dynamics of the abuse, rebuild self-esteem, develop coping mechanisms, and learn to set healthy boundaries.
Exploring the Role of Trauma Bonds in Narcissistic Relationships
Trauma bonds make it incredibly hard to leave a narcissistic relationship. These bonds form through the cycle of emotional highs and lows—moments of affection followed by criticism or neglect. This rollercoaster keeps you tied to the hope that things will improve. Breaking free starts with recognizing this pattern and reaching out for support from those who understand.
Understanding the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse often follows a pattern: idealization, devaluation, and discard. First, they shower you with love and attention. Then, criticism and manipulation erode your confidence. Finally, they withdraw, leaving you confused and desperate for the good times to return. This cycle repeats, keeping you trapped. Recognizing it is the first step to breaking free.
Recognizing Subtle Signs of Emotional Manipulation
Emotional manipulation isn’t always obvious. It might show up as gaslighting, shifting blame, or guilt-tripping. Even backhanded compliments or “jokes” can leave you doubting yourself. If you often feel like you’re walking on eggshells, it’s a sign something is off. Trust your instincts and take steps to protect your emotional well-being.
Meet Circles: Supporting Your Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse
You don’t have to recover from narcissistic abuse on your own. Circles is an online support group where you can share your story and connect with others who truly understand. It’s a safe space to get support, hear from others, and begin to rebuild your sense of self. With the right community, healing becomes more manageable.
Conclusion
Healing from narcissistic abuse is a process, and it’s okay to take small steps. Recognizing the signs, setting boundaries, and finding support are all part of moving forward. Remember, you don’t have to do it alone. With time, patience, and the right resources, you can reclaim your life and find peace again.