As a certified divorce coach and support group facilitator, I spend my life listening to people’s stories about divorce. From both my professional and personal experiences, I know one thing for sure– going through a divorce is a painful, life-changing process. The transition from married life to single life can be devastating, so it’s totally normal and healthy to experience bouts of sadness. The loss of your spouse may feel very much like a death of a loved one. There is a natural grieving process that occurs as you mourn the absence of your partner. Unfortunately, your spouse is not the only thing you have lost. Divorce effects every facet of life. You may also be mourning the loss of your family unit; your familiar lifestyle; your home; your sense of stability and security; your dreams, visions and plans you had for your future; time with your children and extended family; your financial security; your social life; your place in the community; a part of your identity, and so much more. In the midst of all this heartbreak, it is so important to allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up—sadness, anger, jealousy, fear, resentment. I know how uncomfortable and intense some of these emotions can be. It’s natural to want to escape or numb ourselves, or even try to deny these difficult feelings. However, an important yet painful part of the healing process involves feeling, processing, and expressing our emotions. This is a good thing. But, what happens when these emotions start to consume us 24/7? It can be paralyzing and demoralizing. If you feel like you’re stuck in a never-ending, constant rut, here are some ideas for picking yourself up.
Reflect on Past Successes
Think of all the other times in your life when you have had success. Reflect on all your accomplishments- a promotion, a raise, the completion of a project, recognition for a good deed, a new job, a personal best running time, a hike up a mountain, an achieved goal, or anytime in your life when you have had to overcome an obstacle. Life is full or hurdles that you have already surpassed. Reflect upon and celebrate those victories, no matter how big or small. In addition, acknowledge your success as a parent, a friend, a co-worker and all the other important roles you play. What did you do to be successful in the past? What inspired you? What motivated you? How did you set and accomplish goals? What resources did you rely on? Who helped you along the way? What strategies did you use to stay on track? Conjure up those same skills and that same mindset to be successful now and in your future. You have the power to turn your divorce into a success story too. I love doing this exercise with my clients as I witness them regaining their power and confidence and control over their lives again.
Help Others
Altruistic ventures shift our attention away from ourselves onto others. When we help others in need, it can also put our own problems in perspective. So get out of your own head and reach out to community organizations or your local parish to engage in some fulfilling volunteer activities. Feed the homeless. Volunteer to clean the local beaches. Organize a clothing drive. Offer to babysit for a friend. Share a special talent with a local organization. Donate items to your local Good Will store. Support your favorite charity. Foster a puppy. Join a cause. Volunteer at a nursing home, hospital, or animal shelter. Use whatever time and talents and skills you have to make a difference! You will be so happy you did! And so will the people you’ve helped. As a group facilitator at Circles, I have the privilege of seeing healing in action every day as our members show up to support and encourage one another.
Do Something Productive
Dedicate yourself to completing something—anything! Sometimes we get stuck in a rut when we are feeling overwhelmed and powerless. Take charge. Regain control. Instead of shutting down, now is the time to make a dent in some of the things that are taking up space on your seemingly endless to-do list. Make that phone call you’ve been dreading. Clean out that junk draw once and for all. Go through last week’s mail. Change the broken lightbulb. Schedule that appointment you’ve been putting off. Clean out the basement. Crossing some of these pesky things off your to-do list will provide you with a sense of accomplishment that will push you back in motion. Now you have some forward momentum. It feels so good to get things done. I see it all the time how one small feat leads to another.
Stretch Your Comfort Zone
Do something completely out of the ordinary. Face a fear. Accept a challenge. Be bold. Be courageous. Step out of your comfort zone and land somewhere new. Dine out at a new restaurant alone. Visit a different city. Learn something new. Start a hobby. Initiate a conversation. Sign up for a class. Make a friend. Sing karaoke. Ride a rollercoaster (that’s what I did). Rekindle an old friendship. Learn a new language. Redecorate a space in your home. Make choices for yourself, by yourself. Break free of your self-imposed limitations and open the door to an exciting realm of possibilities. Go!
Allow Yourself to Have Fun
Take a break from divorce drama and allow yourself to just enjoy some plain good, old-fashion fun. Give yourself permission to be happy. Command it. Commit to a worry-free day. Act like a kid. Be silly. Be curious. Laugh. Throw a party. Plan a parent’s night out. Re-visit some of the things you used to enjoy doing—painting, baking, singing, dancing, gardening—whatever makes you feel alive! Consistently practice that attitude of gratitude. Yes, divorce stinks, but what about your life will be better now? Embrace your newfound freedom and joy. Bask in the light at the end of the tunnel.
