Having a narcissistic husband can be confusing and fraught with constantly shifting behaviors that leave a spouse feeling emotionally drained, hurt and at a loss for how to navigate the relationship. Today we will delve into the signs of narcissism, offer tips on developing coping strategies and learn how to put yourself first.
Signs To Consider
First, let’s tackle the burning question of ¨what does a narcissistic husband look like?¨ To begin with, there are certain behavior patterns associated with narcissism that are persist and pervasive over time. These include behaviors such as: a lack of empathy for others even if the narcissist is the one to inflict emotional and/or physical pain. Narcissists rarely, if ever, acknowledge another person’s anguish and often diminish the person’s feelings, make statements like: ¨you’re too sensitive or you´re so dramatic. ¨ They may then turn the attention back to themselves to become the victim in the scenario.
Another telltale sign is manipulative and controlling behavior. Narcissists feel the need to control every situation, stifling others’ need for independence and social outlets. Often, the narcissist will isolate another person, especially a romantic partner, from family and friends, siting disdain and criticism of those associations. Manipulation goes hand in hand with controlling behavior. Narcissists go-to manipulation tactics include gaslighting, or making one feel they are losing their minds or misreading a situation even when their partner shows proof of the manipulative behaviors. Doing so can send a narcissist into a rage in which the narcissist will shift blame onto the victim and try to make their partner believe it’s their fault that the narcissist had to behave the way he did.
A third sign of a narcissist husband is their sense of entitlement and need to be treated as special by everyone around him. There is a strong need for narcissists to be seen and treated as special and only associate themselves with others the narcissist deems to be worthy and special. Narcissists always put their own needs as top priority and demand that you do the same for them, often neglecting your own self-care and emotional needs.
A few other important signs to look for may include:
- Inconsistent behavior that swings between affection to apathy and emotional callousness
- He constantly seeks validation and praise, becoming upset or angry when he doesn’t receive it.
- He rarely takes responsibility for his actions, often blaming others for his mistakes or failures.
- Criticism and contempt: He regularly criticizes or belittles you, making you feel inadequate or unworthy.
If you can identify many of these traits and behaviors, you may be married to a narcissist and most likely need help navigating the relationship pitfalls that go along with the relationship.
Understanding the Effects of Marriage to a Narcissist
Being married to a narcissist definitely has its challenges that run a gamut from losing your sense of self to physical violence and an array of issues in between. Being in a constant state of flux can create emotional and mental health issues for the non-narcissistic spouse that has lasting consequences. The cycle of love bombing, devaluing and discarding a spouse creates trauma bonds that are seemingly impossible to break (note that they ARE breakable). It is human nature and our body and mind’s natural condition to want to find the feeling of familiarity. Unfortunately, there is comfort in trauma and being in a relationship with a narcissist can create this comforting feeling because we become accustomed to it and we learn how to navigate it often to our own detriment. That is why so many people choose to stay in a toxic relationship. If you do choose to stay, there are some coping strategies that you may want to consider to help you live a more peaceful life.
First, learning how to recognize manipulation is key to managing the relationship between and your spouse. The behaviors may or may not be intentional but the effects are still toxic and disruptive to the relationship. On the positive side, narcissists often use the same tactics over and over once they establish what works to get the desired result. It’s important to study their maneuvers to better understand how to defend yourself against them. Gaslighting, shaming, guilt-tripping, projection, love bombing, future faking, coercion and raging are all tactics that narcissists use to keep you roped into the toxic cycle. My best advice is to do your research on these topics so you can prepare and disengage as much as possible.
Another pro tip is to respond instead of react when the narcissistic husband engages in a toxic and hurtful manner can be very helpful. One good defense to help you navigate these often treacherous waters include using the grey rock method. This is a go-to for many spouses dealing with narcissistic rages or belittling, criticizing, etc. Grey rocking is a strategy that basically involves the non-narcissistic partner being very quiet, making uninteresting comments or responses in conversations or not responding at all. Since narcissists are always looking for a reaction from their ¨supply¨, grey rocking can be very effective. They don’t get the response they were looking for and move on to either a new target or try a new strategy to get the spouse to engage in the toxic exchange. This method takes some practice but is used by many to protect oneself from the onslaught of negativity when the narcissist rages. To help you employe this method, keep your answers short and to the point, avoid emotional responses and direct eye contact. Don’t ask questions and never tell the narcissist that you are using the method.
Survival Kit: Finding Peace
Regardless of what tactics you incorporate, it is imperative that you focus on yourself, your needs and your future goals and, if at some point, you decide to leave the relationship, having a sense of self will set a foundation for peace and self-love.
To survive the narcissistic husband, it is important to have a healthy support network outside of the marriage. Regularly engaging in enjoyable activities with friends and family, and even a therapist, is crucial to keeping a positive sense of self and reality. Accountability partners can help us make difficult decisions and keep our promises to ourselves.
Another important aspect of surviving the narcissistic husband is to know who you are and value yourself because your partner is limited in his ability and willingness to acknowledge and validate you. Again, our support network can help with this. Setting clear boundaries and sticking to them is essential to keeping our self worth. Positive self-affirmations and using our outside network as mirrors to who we really are, is going to go a long way on the road to keeping inner peace.
Time to Go
At some point, staying in the relationship with the narcissistic husband may be too much to handle and you may choose to walk away. If the toxic behavior continues to make you lose yourself, lose hope in your future and cripples your self-esteem, it may be time to leave. If the relationship has turned violent in any way, it may also be time to plan an exit strategy, utilizing your support network. Having a support group, such as Circles or a good therapist can help you to not only see your value but also to plan a better future for yourself. Remember that this is your life, you have choices and you will be ok without the narcissist in it. You are strong, resilient and, with support from other people who love and value you, it is possible to live your best life now. Regardless of the decisions you make, know that you matter.
