35 Disturbing Signs & Phrases of Gaslighting in a Relationship

Introduction

Gaslighting is a word we often hear people throw around casually, but what does it actually mean? Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation intended to make you feel confused and doubt yourself. It might be hard to spot at first—it can start with small comments or subtle actions—but eventually, it will have the desired effect of chipping away at your sense of reality. This is a tactic often used in unhealthy or toxic relationships to gain control (Psychology Today).

If you regularly find yourself questioning your own memory, you might be experiencing gaslighting. This guide will help you understand what gaslighting looks like and common signs and phrases to watch out for.

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What Is Gaslighting in a Relationship?

Interestingly, the term comes from the 1944 movie Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she’s losing her mind by changing small things in their home and denying it’s happening. Now we use this term to refer to manipulation in which someone makes you doubt your own thoughts, memories, or feelings.

So, how might gaslighting look in relationships? Dismissing your feelings, denying things you know happened, or making you feel like you’re being overly sensitive are a few ways you might notice gaslighting (Verywell Mind). Over time, it can leave you feeling confused, disconnected from yourself, and questioning everything—even your own instincts.

This tactic is used often by narcissists or abusers. If you’re wondering whether you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, check out my article on the warning signs of a narcissistic partner.

35 Signs and Phrases of Gaslighting in a Relationship

1. They deny things you know happened. When you bring up a conversation or event, only to hear, “That never happened,” it makes you pause and wonder if you remembered it wrong, even though you were sure at first.
2. They twist your words to make you feel guilty. Even when you calmly try to express how you feel, somehow, the blame ends up on you. You may even end up apologizing.
3. Your feelings are dismissed. You might hear, “You’re being too sensitive,” or, “It’s not that serious.” Over time, you stop trusting your emotions because they’re always brushed off.
4. You’re forced to take the blame for their reactions. It can never be their fault. If they lose their temper, they say things like, “Well, you pushed me to this.” Instead of owning their behavior, they shift the responsibility to you.
5. They make you doubt your reality. “You’re imagining things,” or, “That’s not what happened,” are common lines. Eventually, you start to feel like you can’t trust your own memory.
6. You get the silent treatment. After an argument or disagreement, they may refuse to talk. This shuts you out emotionally and leaves you feeling abandoned and confused, wondering what you did wrong.
7. They project. If they’re being dishonest, they might accuse you of their own behavior (i.e. lying, cheating) to take the focus off themselves.
8. They undermine your accomplishments. Instead of telling you what a great job you did on something, they may brush you off or choose to tear you down.
9. You are constantly being compared to others. Statements like, “Why can’t you be more like [someone else]?” are meant to make you feel like you’ll never measure up.
10. They twist the blame back to you. Even when they clearly made a mistake, you might hear something like, “Well, if you hadn’t done X, this wouldn’t have happened.”
11.  They rewrite history. You remember a past event one way, but they insist it happened differently. You are left questioning yourself.
12. They tell you you’re overthinking everything. If you bring up something that’s bothering you, you might hear them say, “You’re blowing this way out of proportion.”
13. Your words get turned against you. Something you said in trust gets twisted and used to make you feel bad or unreasonable.
14. They claim hurtful comments are jokes. If they say something mean and you react, they dismiss it with, “Relax, I was just joking.”
15. They isolate you from others. Maybe they start making negative comments about your friends or family, discouraging you from spending time with them.
16. They try to control your decisions. This could look like questioning your career choices or deciding who you’re “allowed” to hang out with.
17. They undermine your confidence. “You don’t know what you’re doing,” might be their go-to line whenever you make a decision.
18. Their struggles are exaggerated. If you share a concern, they’ll talk about their own problems to shift the focus away from you. It always comes back to them.
19. They make you feel like a burden. “You’re always so difficult,” or, “I can’t deal with you right now,” might be statements you hear often.
20. They challenge your memory with phrases like “I never said that,” or, “You’re making things up again.”
21. Your needs get dismissed. “You’re so needy,” is often their response when you express what you want or need from the relationship.

22. You are always the problem. When there’s a lack of accountability, you will always be considered the problem, even when it’s clear you are not.
23. They make themselves the victim. Even if they hurt you, they’ll say things like, “You’re always attacking me,” to make you feel like the bad guy.
24. They discourage your instincts. When something feels off and you bring it up, they might say, “You’re just being paranoid.”
25. Your interests get made fun of. If you’re excited about something, they might challenge why it matters to you in the first place (and implying it shouldn’t), making you feel small.
26. They guilt-trip you. Statements like, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” are meant to manipulate your emotions.
27. You are constantly walking on eggshells. One moment they’re kind and loving, and the next, they’re angry or distant for no reason.
28. They use your vulnerabilities against you. Something personal you shared might be thrown back in your face during an argument.
29. They embarrass you in front of others. Comments like, “See what I have to deal with?” make you feel exposed and unsupported.
30. They question your decisions. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” might be repeated often.
31. They ignore your boundaries. When you try to enforce a boundary, they push back and question you.
32. They call you crazy. When you express yourself, they might say, “You’re acting insane,” to make you doubt your feelings.
33. They use sarcasm to hurt you. A mean comment may be disguised as sarcasm.
34. They interrupt or talk over you. It feels like your voice doesn’t matter because they never let you finish.
35. They leave you questioning yourself. After an argument, you’re left wondering if you were the one in the wrong, even when you weren’t.

FAQs

How long does it take to recover from gaslighting? 

Recovery varies from person to person. There is no timeline for healing. For many people, therapy and support from loved ones play a massive role in rebuilding trust in themselves and their perceptions.

Is gaslighting always intentional? 

Not always. While some people gaslight intentionally to control others, some people may do it unconsciously. Either way, the effects are damaging and need to be addressed. Even if someone is not doing it on purpose, if they refuse to acknowledge the issue or to make changes, they are part of the problem.

Can gaslighting happen in other types of relationships? 

Absolutely. Gaslighting can happen in any relationship–with friends, family, or even coworkers. Any situation where someone makes you doubt your reality could involve gaslighting (Medical News Today).

What does gaslighting do to your self-esteem? 

Gaslighting can take a huge toll on your confidence. When you’re constantly being forced to question your thoughts, feelings, and worth, it’s likely you will eventually feel powerless and unsure of yourself.

Finding Support Through Circles Online Groups

If you’re dealing with gaslighting or trying to recover from its effects, finding support can make a big difference. Circles Online Groups provide a safe space to connect with others who understand what you’re going through. Sharing your story and hearing others can help you feel less alone and more empowered.

Conclusion

Gaslighting can leave you questioning your own reality, but recognizing the signs is the first step toward taking back your power. Remember, you deserve relationships that lift you up, not ones that bring you down. With time, support, and self-care, you can heal and move forward.