Am I a Narcissist?
Ever wonder if you might be a narcissist and not even know it?
I get it! I was even the person who went as far as taking one of those “Am I a narcissist quizzes online.” And I’m gonna share with you, something someone once shared with me. If you’re the type of person who is consistently examining your actions and seeking to improve your relationships and behaviors, chances are pretty high you’re not a narcissist.
Understanding Narcissism
Narcissists don’t typically have the capacity for self-reflection, recognizing their patterns,seeking out support or personal responsibility. So, before freaking out, go ahead and let out a huge sigh of relief and let’s dive into what this really means and some steps you might want to take to rule out narcissistic behavior.
On this journey toward self-improvement, it’s crucial that we hold a mirror up to ourselves, asking ourselves the difficult questions and accepting the difficult truths that lead to growth, healing and transformation. And sometimes, those questions might reveal some uncomfortable facts. Like, how much might be showing up in narcissistic ways out of your own wounding and trauma.
Now, don’t panic. This isn’t about slapping a label on yourself. It’s about becoming more aware of our behaviors so we can end the cycles that hold us back from experiencing the love and life we deserve. Reality is narcissism is often misunderstood and oversimplified.
Narcissism is complex, existing on a spectrum that ranges from healthy self-confidence to pathological and problematic. This is why I personally like to focus on labeling behavior instead of labeling people. When we have the capacity to recognize narcissistic behaviors within ourselves and others it empowers us to make healthier decisions and foster more fulfilling Relationships.
So, how do you know if your behaviors are narcissistic? Let’s explore the 23 signs and debunk some myths along the way.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) isn’t new. The term ‘narcissism’ comes from a Greek myth about Narcissus, a guy who fell in love with his own reflection and, well, let’s just say it didn’t end well. This ancient tale is a warning about how over-the-top self-love and having zero empathy for others strips us of our humanity and leads to our downfall.
Fast forward to the early 20th century, Freud took this concept further by normalizing narcissism. Looking at it as a normal part of child development that can go haywire in adults. By 1980, NPD was officially recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM)- a comprehensive classification system used by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) to identify and diagnose mental health issues.
So, enough about how the personality disorder turned buzzword came about, how does one become a narcissist? Let’s explore this further.
A Modern Take On Narcissism
Fast forward to today, we now know narcissism isn’t just a full-blown disorder. It exists on a spectrum. Thanks to the rise of social media, “reality” tv and our selfie-obsessed culture, narcissistic behavior is now more common than ever. Platforms that reward us with likes and followers and promote instant success and gratification have the tendency to distort our perception and values, leading to more self-centered attitudes.
When an entire society starts to shift from one that values community and collective effort towards one focused on individual success and self-expression, traits like entitlement and a superiority complex are bound to rise.
This is part of what can make us feel like we are in a world surrounded by narcissists. I know what you’re thinking: “But how to know if I’m a narcissist?”
This brings me back to a point I made earlier. Focus on labeling behavior not people.
Recognizing Narcissistic Behaviors in Yourself
Warning! This can be tough but also deeply transformative. Narcissists tend to exhibit a distinct pattern in relationships. You can spot this pattern by using the acronym IDEALD.
The Distinct Pattern in Narcissistic Relationships:
Idealization
Narcissists tend to start relationships with excessive flattery and attention, often progressing the relationship very quickly, making their partner feel extremely valued and special.
Devaluation
Once the initial excitement fades away, they begin to criticize and blame their partner, often using tactics like blaming their partner for their problems and diminishing their qualities.
Exploitation
Narcissists use partner’s for their own benefit without regard for their partner’s personal well-being. They feel entitled to their partner’s kindness, support and generosity, often demanding more than they are willing to give in return.
Abusive Manipulation
The narcissist will engage in manipulative and coercive behaviors to maintain control over the partner. This includes using tactics like gaslighting, creating jealousy through triangulation, being possessive, and using guilt or fear to control the partner’s decisions.
Lack of Empathy
Throughout the relationship a narcissist will show an extreme lack of empathy by being indifferent to their partners needs, desires, feelings and struggles.
Discard
And the final stage –the discard. Narcissists will typically discard their partners when they no longer feel useful or convenient to them. This discard is often abrupt, leaving partners without closure and quickly moving on to the next, showing little regard for the previous partner’s emotional state.
Are you seeing yourself in some of these patterns? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve worked with survivors who see some of these behaviors show up for them too. It could mean you have narcissistic tendencies, but it could also indicate extreme avoidant behaviors or other underlying Issues.
The good news? If you’re willing to seek help and exercise personal responsibility, there’s hope for change and improvement.
Steps to Address Narcissistic Tendencies
1. It Always Starts With Awareness
We cannot change what we are unwilling to see. Now that you’re aware of some of the distinct patterns, make time to reflect regularly on your actions and what might be motivating your behavior.
2. Acceptance is King
I always tell my clients, whatever you’re not willing to accept will hold you hostage. Taking responsibility for your patterns and the results in your life is tough, but necessary. Therapies like CBT and DBT can help. Find a therapist who knows their stuff and practice patience.
3. Commit to Change
Be honest, do you even want to change? You see, a true narcissist’s ideal relationship is a relationship where they get to exploit and are never needed. So, if that’s your end goal, I’m surprised you’re still reading.
4. Ask Yourself What Type of Relationship You Want
You can’t create healthy relationships with unhealthy behavior. And you definitely can’t experience unconditional love with controlling and conditional behavior. So you need to decide. Do you want relationships that are transactional and one-sided? Or are you ready to experience the benefits of connections based on mutual respect, empathy, and genuine care?
It’s a Journey
Unpacking the roots behind narcissistic behavior is a journey. One that requires self-awareness and personal responsibility. By recognizing and managing these traits, you can foster a more empathetic and fulfilling existence.
It’s About Growth
Remember, this isn’t about slapping a label on yourself. It’s about growth, healing and transformation. Reflecting on these signs is only the starting point. If this resonates with you, consider joining our weekly support groups by downloading the Circles Support App.
