Covert Narcissistic Abuse: Recognize and Heal

Introduction

You may have heard of narcissism, but did you know that there are different subtypes? Not all narcissistic behaviors are easily observed. Some narcissists, or people who have narcissistic traits, are more subtle. This is what we call covert narcissism. However, it’s important to understand that covert narcissists share many of the same behaviors as overt narcissists. The main difference here is how those traits are expressed—overt narcissists are more extroverted, whereas covert narcissists are more introverted (Verywell Mind). Either way, both types can cause a lot of harm, though covert narcissism can be harder to identify. 

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What is Covert Narcissistic Abuse?

Covert narcissistic abuse might be hard to pick up on, simply because the abuse or manipulation tactics are so much more subtle. Someone like this might use tactics like guilt or helplessness, play the victim and avoid accountability to leave their victims doubting themselves, rather than the more overt tactics like aggression, competitiveness or other grandiose behaviors. They are much more likely to use passive-aggressive behavior than outwardly aggressive behavior.

Recognizing the Subtle Signs of Covert Narcissism

So, what are some of the signs of covert narcissism?

• Passive-Aggressiveness: They might use sarcasm, disregard your feelings by keeping your needs low priority, or give you the silent treatment when they’re upset (Verywell Mind).
• Playing the Victim: A covert narcissist often frames themselves as misunderstood, and rarely will take accountability for anything.
• Gaslighting: They might casually question your memories, opinions and interests, letting the doubt slowly creep in.
• Withholding Affection: Emotional withdrawal or neglect is often used to control or punish you.
• Subtle Criticism: They might disguise criticism as concern or advice to undermine your confidence.

Psychological Impact of Covert Narcissistic Abuse

If you find yourself emotionally exhausted, anxious or depressed, it may be the result of the emotional abuse. It is exhausting to constantly walk on eggshells and rarely have your needs met.  Let’s consider that oftentimes victims are doing all this without any support, either from the narcissist themselves, or from friends or family who may not understand what’s going on in the relationship. 

If you’re constantly questioning yourself due to the manipulation, you’re probably used to going in circles, over-analyzing, and fact-checking. Not only is this a huge mental drain, but your confidence takes a hit, and self-doubt becomes the norm. Often, trust issues may arise in future relationships, born from these new insecurities the abuse has brought on.

Strategies for Coping with Covert Narcissistic Abuse

Once you learn to identify the covert abuse, you can start to practice coping skills to help manage it (Cleveland Clinic).

• Recognize the Abuse: Awareness is the first step to breaking free—identify when the abuse is happening. This is your fire line of defense.
• Set Boundaries: Create clear limits, and hold strong even if guilt-tripping occurs (it most likely will).
• Detach Emotionally: Respond calmly and avoid giving control through reactions.
• Seek Support: Trusted friends, family, or professionals to provide validation and perspective.
• Prioritize Self-Care: Activities that rebuild mental health and self-worth are huge. Especially if you’ve set these things aside for the relationship, it’s time to make them a priority again. 

This may be hard to hear, but the best way to begin healing from a narcissist is to distance yourself from them, and, when possible, go no contact. If you’re currently in a relationship with a covert narcissist, you might consider if the relationship is worth staying in, and what sacrifices you’re making by choosing to stay. If you’re choosing love over your own mental health and emotional safety, I strongly encourage you to reconsider. No relationship is perfect, but everyone should feel respected, seen and heard by their partner. It matters how they treat you. While love is important, respect is the crux of a healthy relationship. If you’ve been begging for your needs to be met, and your partner still refuses to try, it’s unlikely that will ever change. It’s time to choose yourself. Coping skills can help you to re-center and manage your mental health while you’re struggling, but the real healing won’t start until you choose yourself.

FAQs

1. How can I identify covert narcissistic behavior?
   Look for behaviors like victim-playing, gaslighting, and passive-aggressiveness.
2. Can a covert narcissist change their behavior?
   Change is rare unless the narcissist acknowledges their actions themselves and actively participates in treatment like therapy. Showing up is not enough, they have to do the internal work.
3. How can I protect myself from covert narcissistic manipulation?
   Setting boundaries and seeking professional guidance are key steps.
4. What resources are available for victims of covert narcissistic abuse?
   Circles is a great resource for people seeking support and validation for this type of abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is another helpful resource.
5. How does covert narcissistic abuse affect mental health?
   It can lead to anxiety, depression, PTSD, and a diminished sense of self-worth.

Understanding Gaslighting in Covert Narcissistic Abuse

Gaslighting involves deliberately manipulating someone to question their reality, memory, or sanity. Covert narcissists may deny events, distort facts, or accuse the victim of overreacting to maintain control and shift blame. Over time, victims may feel confused, doubting their perceptions and struggling to trust themselves.

The Role of Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Covert Narcissism

Passive-aggressiveness allows covert narcissists to express anger without appearing confrontational. Of course, it doesn’t mean they aren’t confrontational, it only means their approach is less obvious to others. Examples include sarcasm, giving the silent treatment, or purposefully sabotaging tasks to create frustration. This behavior creates tension, making the victim feel responsible for resolving the conflict. 

Because of this, people on the outside, including the narcissistic own friends and family, may be completely unaware of what kind of person the narcissist is, or how they are treating you. So many victims of covert narcissistic abuse express challenges with even their own friends and family believing or understanding the gravity of what’s really going on in the relationship.

Long-Term Effects of Covert Narcissistic Abuse on Self-Esteem

Over time, the abuse can cause victims to internalize the lies they’re being told. With relentless manipulation, it can become difficult to stand up for yourself to set boundaries or to rebuild your self-esteem. Your confidence may plummet. In order to work against all this, it’s important to learn how to challenge your negative beliefs about yourself and unlearn the lies you may have internalized. It’s time to focus on empowering and believing in yourself. 

Meet Circles’ Online Support Groups

Circles offers a space for people to connect safely and anonymously with others who have also experienced narcissistic abuse. Support groups can provide a much-needed sense of emotional validation. This is a place to talk about your shared experiences, and get professional guidance to help you begin healing. Joining a community is a great step towards working on isolation and helping develop resilience during healing.

Summary

Covert narcissistic abuse is a subtle form of manipulation that can have devastating effects on a victim’s mental health and self-esteem. Recognizing the signs, understanding the psychological impact, and implementing coping strategies are essential for recovery. Resources like therapy and support groups can provide the validation and tools necessary to heal and rebuild a sense of self. Healing is a journey, but with awareness and support, it is entirely possible to overcome the effects of covert narcissistic abuse.