Escaping a narcissistic relationship can be fraught with uncertainty, stress and complexities due to the manipulative and, often, volatile nature of narcissists. If you are considering leaving a narcissistic relationship, I encourage you to consider putting a plan together to help you keep you on track to disentangle yourself to live a well-deserved happy life. Following in this article is a guide to aid you in planning your escape.
Understanding the Challenges of Escaping a Narcissist
First, we need to look at the challenges that go along with escaping the relationship. Due to trauma bonding that happens with being involved with a narcissist, it can be difficult to unbind ourselves and make the decision to leave. Narcissists thrive on creating drama and unfulfilled promises of change, love bombing and breadcrumbing their victims into staying longer than is healthy. We thrive on the feelings that the narcissist stirs in us in the beginning of the relationship, putting us on an unrealistic pedestal and as our brains become addicted to that euphoric feeling, we will do almost anything to keep the narcissist’s attention fixed on us. When they go cold and start the devaluing and discarding phases, it causes the victim to walk on eggshells, apologizing for things they didn’t do just to get back to the feelings of love they once had. After a while, this rollercoaster of a relationship begins to take a toll on the narcissist’s partner, causing low self-esteem, depression and confusion. At some point, the non-narcissistic partner may decide to call it quits and start a new life.
Recognizing When It’s Time to Leave a Narcissist
When the relationship has reached a point where the rollercoaster has become the expected pattern and the non-narcissistic partner is exhausted and realizes that the narcissist isn’t going to change, it is time to leave. It is imperative to realize that the chances of any meaningful and lasting change is non-existent in almost every narcissistic relationship. Continuing to stay will only exacerbate the volatility of the narcissist and has the potential to become violent. Even if there is no physical violence, the emotional abuse inflicted by the narcissist is scary and has long-term negative consequences. Read more about how to escape a narcissistic partner.
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Developing a Safety Plan for Your Escape
In developing a safety plan, there are some steps you can take to improve your well-being and foster the likelihood of freeing yourself permanently from the damaging relationship. Here are some steps you can take that may be helpful in your planning.
- Acknowledge and accept the relationship is a dead end and that you deserve a better life filled with stability, emotional support and love.
- Save and hide some money in a safe place, possibly even giving the money to a trusted family member or friend for safekeeping.
- Confide in at least one trusted confidante and preferably more people to form a community of support to help you plan and or execute your exit strategy. Incorporating help from a professional and joining a support group like Circles Emotional Support can help you move on.
- Start documenting any instances of abuse, physical, emotional, sexual and financial. At the very least, you can use the documents as a reminder of why you chose to leave and, in some circumstances, you may need to use the paperwork/notes as legal proof.
- Set firm boundaries while still in the relationship with the narcissist and follow through with consequences when those boundaries are crossed. Y
- Find a safe place to stay before you leave, preferably one where the narcissist can’t find you. This is important for both your physical safety and your emotional dissociation as the narcissist is sure to start the hoovering phase once the relationship has ended and they try to suck you back in.
- Cut off all contact with the narcissist including blocking them on social media, phone and text. Limit or cut off contact with mutual friends that the narcissist may use to try to find out information about you. If you have children with the narcissist, limit any conversation outside of conversations about the children or have an intermediary connect with the narcissist to discuss child visitation. Using legal text apps can aid you in keeping conversations above board and recorded for legal purposes.
How to Set Firm Boundaries During the Escape Process?
When establishing boundaries with a narcissist, it is important that you use clear and short explanations for how you expect to be treated. Understand that you are in control of your reaction to the narcissists expected outrage at having a line drawn in the sand with their inappropriate behavior. Be prepared to walk away or set up a consequence for the unwanted behavior. Start small and build up to bigger issues. Tackling small boundaries and practicing on other people outside of the relationship can help you build self-confidence in facing the narcissistic bully.
Building a Support System for Escaping a Narcissist
As stated above, building and rebuilding a support system is crucial to your success in leaving the narcissist for good. Seek out people who can keep your secrets and build your esteem and cheerlead your efforts. This can include joining a support group of people who understand what you are going through, such as Circles Emotional Support. Read more about how to rebuild your self worth.
Healing After Escaping a Narcissist and Seeking Professional Help
Remember that the healing process takes time and the more trauma bonding that was involved in the relationship, the longer the process may take. Give yourself grace, self-compassion and time to go through grief and healing. Seeking the help of a therapist, social worker or life coach can help you find clarity and develop adaptive coping skills. Joining a support group can also be a huge help in healing as shared vulnerability is often more powerful than individual work. Circles Emotional Support can help.
FAQ’s
What should I do if I fear retaliation after escaping a narcissist?
If you are concerned about retaliation after escaping a narcissist, the best offense is going con-contact and blocking any connection with the narcissist. If you fear for your physical safety, it is highly recommended that you seek professional help and involve the police to report your concerns to establish a paper trail. Make sure to let your inner circle of supporters know what is going on and have them on standby to intervene if needed.
Is it possible to co-parent with a narcissist after escaping?
It is difficult, but possible to co-parent with a narcissist. It is best to keep conversations to a minimum and only focused on the children. Using text apps for all conversations such as Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents can help you navigate the conversations and establish a solid paper trail in case any issues arise. Do not respond to any messages outside of the app. Also, child custody exchanges should be done in a public and agreed upon place or have a surrogate drop off and pick up the children from the narcissist, further limiting their access to you.
What should I do if the narcissist tries to manipulate me into staying?
If the narcissist tries to love bomb you or hoover you into staying, use your established boundaries, limit your reactions and review your notes that you took reminding you of all of the awful things that you have endured. Also, connecting with your support system and getting on your Circles Emotional Support app to receive added support from other people can help you stay strong.
Can I escape a narcissist if I don’t have a support system?
Yes, you can still escape a narcissist without a support system, but it’s not recommended. Being vulnerable is hard and you may have been isolated by the narcissist but know that any support system such as hiring a professional can aid you immensely in leaving and staying gone.
Meet Circles: The #1 Support Group for Narcissistic Abuse and Divorce
Speaking of developing and expanding your support system, joining Circles Emotional Support online narcissistic abuse and divorce groups can be life-changing in healing and moving on to a healthy life. Being in an anonymous and safe space with other like-minded people who are experiencing similar situations can provide you with the support and coping skills you need on your journey.
Conclusion
Leaving a narcissist is scary and loaded with potential pitfalls and setbacks, but with some solid planning, a support system of loved ones and professionals by your side coupled with a desire to live a more emotionally safe and stable life in which you have self-love, acceptance and consistently healthy, kind and reciprocal relationships is possible and within your reach.
