13 Red Flags in a Relationship You Should Never Ignore

Have you ever felt like something is off in your relationship? That gut feeling you try to brush could mean there are red flags that need to be addressed in your relationship.

Every relationship has its ups and downs. However, some behaviors can signal deeper issues. Let’s take a look at 13 key warning signs. In this guide, we’ll explore 13 key warning signs to watch out for and break down what these red flags look like so that you know how to address them.

Whether you’re in a new romance or a long-term relationship, understanding these red flags will empower you to build healthier, stronger connections. Let’s dive in!

What Are Red Flags in a Relationship?

​​First, let’s talk about what red flags are. Red flags are warning signs that a relationship might be unhealthy.  Essentially, they are indicators that a relationship may be unhealthy, toxic, or headed in a problematic direction. They’re like little alarm bells that go off in our minds, signaling that something just isn’t right. 

Not every red flag means you should end a relationship right away. But if you ignore them, they might lead to bigger issues later on.

Please keep in mind that this list is meant to be an overview and may not cover all of the cautionary signs you’re seeing in your relationship. If you see a pattern, don’t brush it aside. Trust your instincts.

Now, let’s get into the specific red flags you will want to watch out for. 

Red Flag #1: Lack of Effective Communication

Good communication is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. When it breaks down, you might see patterns that show trouble is brewing.Here are some key signs to look out for:

Criticism: Criticism chips away at trust and emotional safety, making it hard to feel secure in a relationship. Pay attention to patterns where one partner focuses on attacking the other’s character instead of addressing specific actions or behaviors.

Example: “You never do anything right,” instead of, “I feel upset when this happens.”

Contempt: This major red flag shows a lack of respect and care for the other person’s autonomy. If your relationship has an undertone of constant sarcasm, mocking, eye-rolling, or name-calling, it’s a sign that one or both partners are being arrogant in the relationship. Over time this behavior can make the person on the receiving end feel small and unvalued.

Example: “Oh, of course, you’d mess this up. Why am I not surprised?”

Defensiveness: This relationship faux pas makes honest conversations virtually impossible. If someone is always making excuses, shifting blame, or refusing to take responsibility, it can feel like nothing ever gets resolved. It’s like hitting a brick wall when being heard is what builds the door for a healthier connection.

Example: “Well, I only did that because you pushed me to!”

Stonewalling: Stonewalling happens when one partner completely shuts down during conflict. It looks like being given the silent treatment, walking away, or refusing to engage. This can leave the other person feeling abandoned and like their feelings, needs or the problem doesn’t matter.

Example:” During a disagreement, one partner completely shuts down, avoids eye contact, or physically leaves the room without saying anything, making it impossible to resolve the issue.”

Frequent Misunderstandings: Miscommunication happens, but if it’s constant and leads to repeated arguments, something’s off. It might be unclear expectations, assumptions, incompatibility, or something more sinister like narcissism. Regardless of the reason for this pattern, when it keeps happening, it’s a sign that communication in the relationship needs some serious work.

Example: One partner says, “Are you wearing that tonight?” intending to compliment their bold choice, but the other hears it as judgment or disapproval, leading to tension or defensiveness.

Gaslighting: Gaslighting is any attempt to dismiss, distort, or deny your reality, making you question your perceptions or doubt your memory. Over time it can leave you in a perpetual state of confusion, questioning yourself, and losing confidence in your perspective.

Example: After forgetting an important date, one partner says, “I told you I couldn’t make it that day—you just never listen,” even though they never actually mentioned it, leaving the other person questioning their memory.

Escalation Without Resolution: Constantly fighting about the same thing without finding a solution is a sign of trouble. If every argument turns into a shouting match and nothing ever changes, it can wear down the relationship fast.

Example: A couple constantly argues about spending habits, with one partner accusing the other of being irresponsible and the other countering with accusations of being controlling. Instead of finding common ground or discussing a budget, they both get angrier, and the argument ends with no plan or resolution, only to resurface again later.

Red Flag #2: Too Much Negativity – The 5:1 Ratio

Relationships should have a good mix of positive and negative moments. According to the Gottman Institute, relationships should have five good interactions for every negative one. This means for every negative interaction, there should be at least five positive ones to keep the relationship healthy and resilient. 

Couples that stand the test of time intentionally incorporate positivity into their daily interactions, especially after conflicts. This looks like repairing after an argument with a sincere apology or a hug, expressing gratitude for the little things your partner does daily, and sharing lighthearted or affectionate moments to build each other’s emotional reserves.

Red Flag #3: Controlling Behavior

Control in a relationship can be tricky to spot. It can start out subtle, like taking over small decisions for you or gradually discouraging you from spending time with friends. While this may not seem like a big deal at first, when these behaviors are being fueled by unresolved trauma or narcissism, they can escalate into something far more damaging over time. 

At its worst, controlling behavior can strip you of your independence and sense of self. You deserve autonomy and respect in your relationships. If you start to notice these tendencies escalating or becoming a pattern in your relationship dynamic, setting firm boundaries, leaning on trusted support systems, or seeking therapy can help. 

Red Flag #4: Jealousy and Possessiveness

A little jealousy is natural in relationships. That said, it’s how that jealousy is being expressed and managed that we want to look out for to determine whether or not it’s cause for alarm.

Signs to look out for include constant accusations, excessive monitoring of your social media accounts or phone without mutual agreement, attempts to control your appearance, emotional manipulation, and any attempts to restrict your independence. While there are situations, like rebuilding trust after infidelity, where temporary transparency might be agreed upon by both partners, monitoring must always be consensual and purpose-driven—not a means of control.

Red Flag #5: Lack of Respect for Boundaries

This leads us to red flag number five. Healthy relationships respect personal boundaries. When one partner consistently disregards or pushes against the other’s limits, it’s a significant red flag that shouldn’t be overlooked. 

Many people struggle with boundaries because they misunderstand their purpose. A boundary is a personal limit that makes clear to others what is and isn’t acceptable to you. In relationships, a boundary’s goal is to create a sense of safety, respect, and mutual understanding, not to divide. Healthy boundaries are not about keeping others out—they’re about creating the structure needed for connection and individuality to coexist.

To help you understand what your specific needs and limits are, here’s a closer look at some of the common types of boundaries and what they might sound like:

Physical boundaries: Physical boundaries relate to your personal space, physical touch, and privacy. They help you feel comfortable and secure in your body and environment.

Example: Your partner tries to hug you after a stressful day, but you need time to decompress. You can kindly say, “I need a little space right now to decompress before I can engage physically.”

Emotional boundaries: These boundaries involve protecting your feelings and emotional well-being. They help you define how much of your emotional energy you’re willing to share and how you want to be treated in relationships.

Example: Your friend frequently overshares personal drama, leaving you feeling drained. A healthy boundary sounds like, “I care about you, but I need to focus on my own mental health today. Can we talk about something lighter?”

Mental boundaries: Mental boundaries also referred to as intellectual boundaries, protect your thoughts, opinions, and values. They acknowledge your right to have your own beliefs and ideas without external pressure, manipulation, or disrespect.

Example: During a heated discussion about politics, a co-worker mocks your political stance. You can respond with, “I respect our different views, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t ridicule my beliefs.”

Time boundaries: These boundaries relate to how you spend your time and balance priorities, like work, personal activities, and the relationship itself. They help you manage your time in ways that align with your values and needs.

Example: Your boss asks you to work overtime at the last minute, but you have plans. You can reply, “I can’t stay late tonight, but I’m happy to adjust my schedule tomorrow to complete this task.”

Material boundaries: These boundaries protect your material possessions such as finances, and how you share them with others. Material boundaries define what you’re willing to lend, give, or share and under what conditions.

Example: A friend asks to borrow money, but you’re not in a financial position to help. You can say, “I’m sorry, but I’m not in a position to lend you money. I hope you’re able to find another solution.”

Remember, healthy boundaries are not walls – they’re bridges that allow for connection while maintaining individuality and respect. A person who truly cares for you will be willing to learn and honor your boundaries, even if it takes some adjustment.

Red Flag #6: Dishonesty

Trust is another cornerstone of healthy relationships and dishonesty erodes it faster than almost anything else. Whether it’s outright lies, half-truths, or broken promises, a lack of transparency makes it impossible to feel stable and safe in a partnership.

One of the biggest challenges in addressing dishonesty in relationships is that people often define it differently. For some, dishonesty means outright lying, while for others, it might include withholding information, bending the truth, or failing to follow through on promises. 

At its core, dishonesty involves obscuring the truth, often to avoid consequences, protect oneself, or gain some advantage. While the intent of a lie may not always be malicious it still undermines the trust and emotional safety necessary to have a healthy relationship.

Red flags include lying about plans, hiding financial decisions, or gaslighting. When dishonesty becomes a pattern, it creates a breeding ground for suspicion, anxiety, and emotional distance. Partners who feel they can’t rely on each other often struggle to be vulnerable, and this erodes intimacy and connection. The lingering impact isn’t just the lie itself but the breakdown of trust, which can leave one person feeling unsupported and insecure in the relationship.

Red Flag #7: Lack of Emotional Support

In a healthy relationship, partners acknowledge each other’s feelings. When a partner consistently minimizes emotions, avoids difficult conversations, or withdraws during tough times, it’s a sign of emotional neglect.

This red flag tends to show up as dismissive comments, changing the subject when a topic gets serious, or offering advice instead of practicing active listening. Over time, this leaves the person on the receiving end feeling isolated and unimportant.

Remember, requiring emotional support doesn’t make you needy, it makes you human. Commit to mutual support in areas like active listening, empathy, and communication

Red Flag #8: Commitment Issues

If you or your partner keep dodging things like concrete plans or defining the relationship, it could be a sign of commitment issues. A healthy relationship thrives on shared goals and mutual investment in the future. When one partner shies away from investing in or defining the relationship, it’s a significant red flag that indicates a mismatch in relationship goals.

Here are some of the key commitment red flags to look out for:

• They avoid calling you their boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner.
• They steer clear of conversations about the future or long-term plans.
• The relationship feels stuck in casual mode with no signs of progress.
• They hesitate to introduce you to their family or friends.
• They keep delaying commitment or moving the goalposts, like saying they’ll “be ready to commit when…” but ‘when’ the time comes, they never follow through.

Over time, this uncertainty erodes trust and emotional intimacy, making it difficult to build a strong foundation. If you’re sensing commitment hesitancy, start with an honest conversation about your expectations and what commitment means to both of you.

Red Flag #9: Narcissistic Behavior

Narcissism can be sneaky. It includes a lack of empathy and manipulation. If your partner always makes it about them and doesn’t take responsibility, that’s a bad sign. Narcissistic tendencies in a partner can be subtle at first but telltale signs include a lack of empathy, patterns of manipulation and control, an insatiable need for attention, and a refusal to take accountability. 

Narcissists aren’t interested in partnership, they are interested in supply. They view others as extensions of themselves and may see others as existing primarily to serve their own needs. This can lead to possessive and controlling behaviors. If your partner frequently avoids sharing responsibility for the health of the relationship, or you find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid criticism or outbursts, it’s a clear sign of an unhealthy relationship dynamic.

For more insight into whether or not your partner is a narcissist, click here.

Red Flag #10: Financial Incompatibility

Discussing financial red flags in a relationship can be a little touchy, but avoiding the conversation only makes financial incompatibility a bigger problem down the road. According to research, money is one of the leading sources of stress in most long-term relationships, with financial disagreements as a top predictor of divorce. Approximately 22%-25% of marital breakdowns are due to financial disagreements. 

That said, financial incompatibility doesn’t have to be the end of the road. The key for couples is to align financial goals with the vision for the relationship and define the roles each partner will play in achieving them.

Alignment doesn’t mean total agreement on every dollar spent—it means having a shared vision for what financial success looks like in your relationship and flexibility as life happens. Whether it’s deciding on saving goals, creating a budget, or understanding how each partner values money, committing to the process together can transform a source of tension into a foundation for teamwork.

Red Flag #11: Mental, Emotional or Physical Abuse

Abuse in any form—physical, emotional, verbal, financial, or sexual, is unacceptable. This behavior is a direct violation of your safety, autonomy, and well-being and is a red flag that should never be ignored. 

Regardless of the “reasons why,” abuse is never your fault and never justified. Whether it’s showing up in your relationship as constant belittling, threats, withholding of financial resources, or physical harm, this type of relationship dynamic is deeply damaging, leaving lasting emotional scars.

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, it is vital to reach out to your available resources. Your safety and healing must come first. Reach out to trusted loved ones or professional resources, such as domestic violence hotlines or trauma-informed counselors, to create a plan to protect yourself. 

Here are some resources available to you:

National Domestic Violence Hotline (US): Offers confidential 24/7 support. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text “START” to 88788, or visit thehotline.org.

Love is Respect (US): Provides resources for young people in abusive relationships. Call 1-866-331-9474, text “LOVEIS” to 22522, or visit loveisrespect.org.

UN Women (International): Offers resources and support for gender-based violence globally. Visit unwomen.org.

1in6 (USA): Provides support and information to men who have experienced unwanted or abusive sexual experiences. Offers a 24/7 online helpline and weekly online support groups. Visit 1in6.org or call (651) 714-4673.

MaleSurvivor (USA): Dedicated to preventing, healing, and eliminating all forms of sexual victimization of boys and men through support, treatment, research, education, advocacy, and activism. Provides online resources, discussion forums, and a directory for finding therapists. Visit malesurvivor.org.

NO MORE Global Directory: An international directory of domestic and sexual violence helplines, specialist support services, and resources for individuals of all genders in nearly every UN-recognized country. Access the directory at nomoredirectory.org.

Women’s Aid (UK): Provides help and guidance for domestic abuse survivors. Call 0808 2000 247 or visit womensaid.org.uk.

Lifeline (Australia): Provides crisis support and suicide prevention. Call 13 11 14 or visit lifeline.org.au.

Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength. These organizations are here to support you, and reaching out can be a crucial step toward healing and safety. 

Red Flag #12: Codependency

In a codependent relationship, one person might sacrifice their needs to keep the other happy. Healthy relationships should have a balance where both partners feel valued. Codependency may seem like intense loyalty or devotion, but it often it’s rooted in a fear of abandonment, rejection, or not being enough.

The hallmark of a codependent relationship is relying too much on a partner for validation, emotional support, or even a sense of identity. While relationships thrive on mutual care, when a relationship becomes unbalanced, with one person relying too much on the other for their sense of worth, happiness, or emotional stability, it blurs boundaries and creates an unhealthy dynamic where one partner is overly responsible for the other’s happiness or well-being.

Healing from codependency is about finding balance—learning to set boundaries, take care of your own needs, and build relationships where both people feel valued and supported without losing themselves. If you notice this pattern in your relationship, consider exploring resources like Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) (coda.org) or seek therapy to develop healthier ways of relating.

Red Flag #13: Substance Abuse or Addiction Issues

Substance abuse can shake the foundation of a once seemingly healthy relationship. If your partner struggles with addiction, they need support. While recovery is possible, untreated substance abuse makes it difficult for relationships to thrive. 

Signs to Watch Out For…

• Secretive or dishonest behavior about substance use.
• Neglect of responsibilities at work, home, or within the relationship.
• Financial troubles linked to excessive spending on substances.
• Use of vise continues despite negative consequences.

If substance abuse is present, prioritize your well-being and seek support. Resources like Al-Anon (al-anon.org) offer guidance for those navigating relationships impacted by addiction. Remember, recovery is a choice your partner has to make—but taking care of yourself is always within your power.

What to Do If You Notice Red Flags in Your Relationship

Noticing red flags can feel overwhelming, but recognizing them is an important step. Start by getting clear on what’s bothering you and how it’s affecting your well-being. Ask yourself, “Is this behavior something I can live with, or is it crossing a boundary?”

Next, have an honest, calm conversation with your partner. Use “I” statements like, “I feel unsafe when…” to share your needs and feelings without making them defensive. The goal is to understand each other and see if there’s a way to address the issue together. If nothing changes, it might be time to reassess the relationship and think about what you truly need to feel respected and safe.

When to Seek Professional Help for Relationship Red Flags

Sometimes, issues like addiction, abuse, narcissism, or other deeply rooted patterns can’t be fixed alone. Couples therapy, support groups, or counseling can help you work through tough spots in your relationship with an objective perspective. 

If your partner refuses to participate or the relationship feels unsafe take it as a sign that you need to focus on yourself first. We can’t force the people we love to change, they have to be ready for it.

FAQs

Can a relationship recover after identifying red flags?
Yes, it’s possible to recover from red flags. This depends on the issue and whether both partners are committed to working on it. Problems like communication struggles or lack of emotional support can often improve with effort and help. However, red flags like abuse or chronic dishonesty might signal that it’s healthier to walk away.

What are some red flags that may appear after the “honeymoon phase”?
Once the excitement of a new relationship wears off, you might notice things like controlling behavior, a lack of effort, or emotional withdrawal. It’s also common to see patterns like poor conflict resolution or a partner’s unwillingness to take responsibility or commit.

How do I know if I’m overreacting to a red flag?
If something feels off, it’s worth paying attention to. Reflect on how the behavior makes you feel, whether or not it compromises your values, needs, and wellbeing and notice if it’s a pattern. Talking to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group can help you gain clarity and perspective.

How can I bring up red flags with my partner without causing conflict? Resilient relationships are built not by avoiding conflict, but by facing them together and growing stronger in the process. As highlighted in Red Flag #2: Conflict isn’t the problem—it’s how you both handle it that makes the difference. Pick a calm, neutral time to talk and focus on your feelings and needs rather than placing blame. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when…” This keeps the conversation open and collaborative by framing it as a way to strengthen the relationship, not a criticism or attack.

Navigating red flags in a relationship is tough, but you don’t have to do it alone. Circles—the #1 app for navigating and leaving narcissistic relationships—offers 24/7 live group support, a community of understanding peers, and shared wisdom to help you move forward. Join today and take your first step toward empowerment and healing. Click here to join Circles.

Conclusion

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but the difference between a strong bond and a toxic one lies in how those challenges are handled. Relationships can be complicated, but they should never make you question your worth or well-being. Spotting red flags doesn’t mean you’re being too picky or dramatic—it means you care about having a healthy connection that feels good for both you and your partner.

If something doesn’t feel right, trust your gut. It’s better to address issues now than to ignore them and hope they go away. Remember, you’re not alone in this. Whether it’s talking to a trusted friend, joining a support group like Circles, or seeking professional help, there are people and resources to back you up. You deserve a relationship that lifts you up, respects your boundaries, and grows with you—not one that holds you back.

Have the courage to take care of yourself first, because a healthy relationship starts with you.