The Story of the Love- Bomber
Can you go back and remember that day when you fell headfirst in love? The days that seemed almost too good to be true? The days that felt like you had found your Prince Charming and you became the princess while sitting upon the glorious pedestal. That amazing whirlwind of explosive emotions that brought about the intense feeling of deep affection was everything that you had been waiting for. Until…confusion, doubt, isolation, feelings of unworthiness crept in like a thief in the night.
Imagine sitting on a bench only to be approached by the most charismatic person that you have ever met. They complement your hair, your dress and let you know how wonderful you smell. Numbers are exchanged and over the next few days you are already a couple.
He quickly wants to make sure that you are exclusive so that you are only concentrating on one another. It is important to him that you focus 100% on getting to know each other at a deeper level. It’s like you were destined to be together. It is fate and you simply know that he is the one. The only one even with the rapid intensity of the relationship.
It’s like you see in the movies “love at first sight” and you get to experience the euphoria firsthand.You have never had this many excessive compliments and praise in your life. And these over-the-top gestures of him surprising you with flowers or lunch or even coffee on you doorstep one day before work are an expression of how much he truly loves you.
All day he texts and lets you know how much he misses you and thinks about you. The constant attention is not something you are used to, but it feels good to be loved so much and be missed.
Until you can’t text back right away and are questioned as to why you didn’t respond since he knows you read the message. From the beginning he stated he liked having “Read Receipts” on our phones to make sure that communication was being received. It’s a bit off to you but you start to understand that you could have at least responded that you were busy, so he didn’t worry. It only takes two seconds after all.
Over the next two weeks in the relationship, you talked a lot about everything you can imagine. We quickly discover that we both want the same things in life, love and family.
It’s obvious already that we desperately love one another, and he explains that it does no good to wait to move forward since we already know we are meant to be. The push for a deeper commitment regarding moving in together starts to be discussed. Although you are not sure that you are ready to have him move in with you, he convinces you that it would be perfect since you are always on the phone together anyways. Plus, you love him so why wait?
You talk to your friends about how happy you are, how it feels so great to finally have found the perfect one. As you tell your “fairy tale, love story” to them they proceed to point out some red flags. What are you talking about? Red flags? No way! This is fate. Your friends simply do not understand.
You talk to him about what your friend’s responses are and how it’s hurtful to not have their support. He responds by asking you about what healthy boundaries that you have with your friends. He asks if you are always going to let your friends control your life. He asks if this relationship really means as much to you as you said it did.
He questions whether you are a liar regarding your feelings about him. He sounds so sad and upset which makes you feel so incredibly guilty. He decides that maybe you need time to figure that piece of your life out, so he gives you “space” and blocks you from all social media, texting and calling. You are not able to reach out to him, but he will unblock to only remind you how much he misses you and loves you during this time. This conditional affection is horrible, and you think maybe he is right.
Finally, he unblocks you and you can talk through the situation with your friends. You attempt to explain that you do not have a family and they are the only ones who have been there for you. He responds by questioning you about what kind of family you are looking for and states “I thought WE were creating a family”. He proceeds to examine your motives about how you can continue to talk to your friends knowing that they do not want you with the love of your life. He points out that maybe they are not your real friends afterall since it appears they do not even want you to be happy. He states that he isn’t comfortable with them knowing everything about their relationship as he needs this special love story to be sacred to only you and him. He is right, you do need to establish some healthy boundaries and focus on your future with him. The isolation then begins.
A week goes by, and you have reduced the time you are spending with your friends so that you can work on this amazing relationship you are forming. You have not seen your friends in a few weeks and get invited to drinks which you happily accept because you miss them. He agrees that you should go and have a great time. As you are headed out the door he asks if you are “really” going which of course was the plan. He asks where you are going, and you tell him again that you are meeting at a local bar. The conversation goes sideways fast as he questions the motives of your friends wanting to get you drunk at the bar so that they can set you up with someone else. “Are there any guys going?” he quickly asks knowing that one of my best friends growing up is a male. The conversation quickly escalates into questioning whether you ever had a sexual relationship with this male friend. The jealousy and possessiveness are on overload as he attempts to educate me that all men have an innate desire to be with a beautiful female such as herself and that she just does not understand because she is not a man. He lets you know that he needs a woman who is going to be loyal and honest with him in which he feels like she is not considering all the reservations her friends have vocalized about them not being together. She proves her love and loyalty to him and stays home to video chat with him all night to discuss their upcoming plans of living happily ever after.
As you can see, the love bomber worked fast, with confidence and ease. He was able to manipulate to have his own needs met very early on in the relationship. Although she felt this incredible feeling of love and adoration there were also conflicting emotions such as confusion, dependency, isolation, questioning her own thoughts and ideas and started feeling her self-esteem being lowered. It was like riding a roller coaster, feeling that high, that rush of love and then suddenly, the bomb hits and you are plummeting fast, with no warning not understanding what is happening. Then up again with the reassurance of love, commitment and your happily ever after.
In this story, her friends continued to support and educate her as she maneuvered through this relationship. With support and guidance, she too was able to see beyond the smoke from the bombing to understand that he was the bomb, and love from him came in the form of pure manipulation. It’s hard to understand when you are in that place, it’s hard to see and it’s hard to believe that you would allow that to happen to you. First, give yourself some grace. Second, don’t beat yourself up. Third review some of the tips below to help keep yourself safe from the love bomber.
1. Instill early relationship boundaries by having your own set of rules and expectations for yourself.
2. Slow it down. Relationships take time to really develop and those that are supposed to be, will be. You don’t need to move in or get married tomorrow.
3. Build and keep your tribe. Your tribe becomes a part of the relationship not a separate or isolated piece. No one should dictate to you who you can have in your life.
4. Maintain your own interests. Keep going to drinks with your friends. Keep doing the things that you have always loved and enjoyed. It doesn’t mean that your partner may not be a part of it sometimes but it’s okay to have something that is simply yours.
5. Watch behaviors. If it smells like a skunk, it probably is a skunk. Trust your gut and your instincts.
