Traumatic Narcissist

Traumatic Narcissism: Causes, Effects, and Recovery. In this article we will explore the roots of traumatic narcissism, its impact on relationships, and effective recovery strategies. Learn how Circles can support your healing journey.

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Traumatic Narcissist: Understanding the Impact of Trauma on Narcissistic Behavior

What is a traumatic narcissist? How did they become like this? These are the two important questions many people ask themselves when trying to understand narcissistic people in their lives. A traumatic narcissist is someone whose behavior in relation to others is very similar to someone who has narcissistic personality disorder and as with all of the other types of narcissism, they exist on a spectrum. 

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What is Traumatic Narcissism?

Traumatic narcissism is described as a type of narcissism that is characterized by the inability to emotionally connect to others due to extreme emotional or physical abuse and/or neglect, most likely beginning in childhood. Traumatic narcissism emerges not only as the development of certain personality traits, but also as a coping mechanism to protect against the trauma caused by the abuse. In this sense, the narcissist is defending themselves against vulnerability and hurt.

The Link Between Trauma and Narcissistic Personality Disorder

There is a strong link between trauma endured by the narcissist and the development of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) as narcissism typically stems from some sort of neglect or emotional/physical abuse although, in some cases, narcissists may be born with tendencies towards the behavioral characteristics. 

Identifying Traits of a Traumatic Narcissist

Traits of traumatic narcissists are similar to those of your garden variety narcissists. A few of the attributes include: 

  • Lack of empathy for other people’s feelings and experiences, and only seeing relationships as transactional, serving their own needs
  • Distorted and fluctuating self-image relying on constant validation and admiration, especially from those the narcissist deems important
  • Sense of Entitlement, feeling superior to others and the desire to only be around other “special” people. 
  • Hyper-sensitivity and inability to accept any type of criticism
  • Unwillingness to accept responsibility for behavior and tendency to project blame onto others for their own behavior
  • Using manipulation like gaslighting, lying, denial, passive-aggression and victim mentality to exploit others and meet their own goals/needs

Read more about the signs of NPD here

Impact on Relationships and Loved Ones

With the self-serving nature of the traumatic narcissist, relationships are difficult and dysfunctional at best. At their worst, relationships can be volatile and violent. It can be exhausting to be in any kind of relationship with these individuals as every day is an emotional rollercoaster with victims often reporting that they walk on eggshells to keep the peace. With fluctuating behavior patterns, and the tendency for the narcissist to give and take away their attention and love, it forms a confusing cycle of hot and cold for victims. The non-narcissist in the relationship often find themselves singularly focused on the narcissist’s needs and lose themselves to low self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness. 

Coping Strategies and Recovery for Survivors

There is help available for those who are seeking to heal and recover from narcissistic abuse. Some strategies for recovery include creating an exit plan if you are still in the relationship. Whether or not you have left yet, beginning to open up to trusted confidantes and forming healthy relationships outside of the narcissistic relationship, is important. Enlisting the help of a professional such as a therapist, life coach and joining a support like Circles can make all the difference in your recovery journey. Read more here

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Can traumatic narcissists recognize their behavior and seek help?

As with all humans, a traumatic narcissist may, momentarily, recognize their problematic behavior, it is rare as they have limited awareness of their issues. Their inability to self-reflect on poor behaviors as a defense mechanism to protect their egos, keeps them from seeking help from something they don’t see as harmful. 

What causes someone to become a traumatic narcissist?

As stated above, traumatic narcissism is most often borne out of emotional and/or physical abuse or neglect, most often beginning in childhood. 

What are the long-term effects of living with a traumatic narcissist on mental health?

There are serious long-term effects from living with a traumatic narcissist. Many survivors say that they have or are suffering from their own mental health issues like PTSD, low self-esteem, depression and anxiety, and the inability to form new relationships due to a lack of trust with anyone new.  Then there are physical health concerns such as memory loss, unregulated hormones including cortisol levels, feelings of dissociation, and physical pain even in the absence of a physical cause. 

How do you rebuild self-esteem after experiencing narcissistic abuse?

Understand that rebuilding self-esteem is a process that takes time and gentleness. Reconnecting to the people and activities you use to enjoy is a good starting point. Building your support network of friends and family and not isolating yourself as isolation can create depression and depression keeps us living in the past. We need to open ourselves to new thoughts, and have new experiences to move forward from the past. Seeking out a therapist and support groups can be very helpful as they allow you to learn new, healthier coping strategies and give you a sense of belonging. 

Exploring Therapeutic Approaches for Traumatic Narcissism

Narcissists may be able to improve their condition if the motivation is there. Often narcissists only seek help when they are forced into an extreme situation such as divorce or the threat of losing an important position, etc. Some forms of therapy that have been found to be helpful for narcissists include:

  • Trauma-informed therapy: Focuses on dealing with underlying trauma that caused the development of narcissistic traits
  • Dialectical Behavioral Therapy: This form of therapy helps with emotional regulation and improvement of distress tolerance as well as teaching techniques for better communication 
  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Helps to reframe negative and destructive thought patterns

Understanding the Role of Childhood Experiences in Developing Narcissistic Traits

Psychologists like Otto Kernburg and Heinz Kohut agree that there is a strong correlation between childhood experiences and the establishment of narcissistic traits, especially if there is inconsistency in or absence of parental love and attention.

Recognizing and Addressing Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome

As stated above, understanding and addressing the harmful effects of narcissistic abuse is fundamental in healing from it. If you are experiencing symptoms such as the inability to make basic life decisions because you no longer trust your own judgment, have developed anxiety and depression, shame and guilt as a result of being in a relationship with a narcissist, please know these are common symptoms. Other symptoms may include hypervigilance, ruminating thoughts, short-term memory loss, insomnia, physical and unexplained medical conditions from constant stress are also normal.

To move on from the abuse, you must first admit it to yourself and commit to the healing journey. Positive self-talk, self-validation, establishing firm boundaries such as cutting off all contact with the narcissist and incorporating help from outside sources are important aspects of recovery. Therapies like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) 

As a part of recovery, finding a professional to teach you self- acceptance and coping strategies is beneficial. One of the most valuable healing activities is joining a support group like Circles to support your recovery. Being a valued part of a Circles group is healing due to the shared emotional connections made among members. All of the group members have experienced similar situations and can offer validation and resources that someone who has not experienced narcissist abuse can never give. Circles groups are run by professional facilitators who guide the group through all of the aspects of healing and are also a great source of professional tips and resources. 

In conclusion, traumatic narcissism is a type of narcissism that, like all forms of narcissism, has a background in traumatic experiences, often forming from childhood neglect and abuse. Being in a relationship with traumatic narcissists is fraught with difficulties and can cause trauma for the non-narcissist. Recovery is possible for the non-narcissist and, occasionally, the narcissists themselves although unlikely. For the non-narcissist, time, effort, support from loved ones, professional therapy and group support can help foster recovery to rebuild a new life filled with happiness, stability, healthy bonds and joy. 

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