Introduction
Being in a relationship with someone who craves constant attention and control is tough. Now imagine both people in the relationship are like that. When two narcissists get together, things can get messy fast—think power struggles, constant competition, and a lot of manipulation. This dynamic can get exhausting for everyone involved. In this article, we’ll dive into what happens in these relationships, why they’re so challenging, and what steps can help you make sense of it all.
What Defines a Relationship Between Two Narcissists?
Before we dive into the dynamic between two narcissistic individuals in relationships, let’s first look at traits narcissists might exhibit on their own.
Need for Validation: First, there is a seemingly insatiable need for validation and admiration. This can often drive so much of their behavior. Narcissists will seek out this validation frequently either through praise or by centering themselves in everything.
Struggle with Empathy: Empathy is a struggle for those with narcissistic tendencies and is either rare or non-existent for diagnosable narcissists. This can look like dismissing their partner’s feelings or overlooking them completely, which can cause major challenges with emotional connection (Mayo Clinic).
Manipulative Tendencies: Manipulation is a cornerstone of narcissism. This can include gaslighting, guilt-tripping or withholding affection, to name a few strategies. The goal is to maintain control at all times.
Fear of Vulnerability: Interestingly enough, at the root of all this we might notice a fear of vulnerability. If a narcissist allows themself to be emotionally intimate, they may feel weak or exposed. This can potentially explain their motives for avoiding intimacy and staying in control at all times.
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How Two Narcissists Interact and Influence Each Other
Now, what happens when two people with narcissistic traits come together in a relationship? At first, things may seem to be going well, with both partners mirroring each other’s interests and desires. They may express admiration for each other early on. This creates an illusion that the couple is well suited for each other, but it won’t last. Eventually, the manipulation will creep in and their egos will begin to clash. Because you don’t have one partner willing to set their ego aside, the partners will face conflict as they fight to maintain control and superiority. There will be no give and take, as both partners demand attention and neither will be willing to give it. A push-and-pull dynamic will form as a result of constant competition and criticism.
Power Struggles and Competing for Dominance
At the heart of this kind of relationship we often see a never-ending power struggle. This can look like a battle for dominance, where the couple constantly fights to have the final say or be in charge of decision-making. Both partners might do their best to outdo the other in many aspects, including their career, social status, appearance, or other areas where they can claim success. We might also see the couple mirroring their emotional withholding tactics like withholding affection or using the silent treatment to maintain control in the relationship. This can become a cycle.
Common Behaviors and Challenges in Narcissistic Relationships
Idealization turns into Devaluation: Narcissistic relationships very often follow a pattern. At first, a narcissist will shower their partner with praise and admiration. Read more here. This lovebombing will eventually stop, turning into criticism.
Lack of Emotional Connection: There will be a distinct lack of empathy, which may be hard to see at first, but should become clearer over time.
Manipulative Tendencies and Control: Common tactics include gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or using fear to maintain power in the relationship.
Psychological Impact of These Relationships
The Emotional Toll: It is inevitable that both partners will end up drained from the constant conflicts and unmet expectations. With a narcissist, no matter what you do, it’s “never enough”. Imagine both partners maintaining that attitude in the relationship. Anxiety can grow since both partners will likely be unpredictable in their wants and needs. Read more here.
Effects on Self-Esteem: Despite the couple’s hard work to put themselves on a pedestal, the opposite effect can happen. Despite how it seems on the outside, if both partners have narcissistic tendencies the endless blame and critiques of one another can eventually wear them down and hurt their confidence.
Toxic Patterns and Stagnation: Why should either partner change, when their behaviors serve to protect them? This is often the mindset of a narcissist, leaving little room for growth or change. Instead, the harmful cycle continues, with neither person willing to budge and the issues growing deeper and lasting long-term.
Can These Relationships Work?
So, can these relationships ever work, or not? The simple answer is—if both partners are willing to change or grow, then probably not. Either the relationship will eventually come to a head and end, or the couple will continue on unhappily with their cycle.
Only if both partners decide to seek help, such as therapy, and actively make an effort to change and work on the issues, can any real growth happen. It can’t be done alone, as both partners need to share this mindset towards change.
However, there might be a rare instance where two narcissists find common ground and lean into this to survive the relationship. This could mean social status, professional success or something else. This only works due to their shared external goals and is not rooted in their emotional connection. Still, I would doubt those couples are truly happy, as we in the mental health field know that happiness can’t survive on external success alone.
Healing and Moving Forward
Again, for those seeking true change, a real effort has to be made. This person would likely need professional support from a therapist to help them understand their behaviors and find healthier ways to cope. Self-awareness is the key here, and that can take some time and practice to develop.
Emotional awareness is also huge here. With a renewed sense of self-awareness, people can work on their emotional awareness as well, learning to practice empathy and validate other people’s feelings. This type of work gives people a chance to connect on a deeper level.
At the heart of this type of healing is the goal of building healthier relationships. How do we do that? We work to create connections based on respect and support, as opposed to the validation-seeking and control that a narcissist may have leaned into in the past. Active listening and other conflict resolution skills are necessary to avoid repeating the unhealthy behaviors of the past.
It’s important to emphasize once again, that these changes can only happen if someone wants them to. People often have what we call “magic thinking”–the idea that one day narcissists will realize how hurtful or difficult they are and decide to change. This is unlikely. I’ll say it simply: you cannot expect change if there is no effort towards change. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what influences on the outside may say or do—it’s up to that person and that person alone to decide they’re ready to grow and heal.
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If any of this resonates with you, Circles is here to help. Circles is an anonymous, online only mental health support platform designed for people with relationship challenges, including things like narcissism. Circles is a safe, supportive place where you can finally get a sense of validation, guidance and community. If you think no one understands you—you just haven’t tried Circles yet.
FAQ
What happens when two narcissists date each other?
Relationships between narcissists often involve competition for control, frequent power struggles, and emotional disconnection.
Can two narcissists maintain a healthy relationship?
While rare, some narcissistic relationships work if both partners share external goals, but genuine emotional intimacy is often lacking. At most, the relationship may be “functioning”, but is it truly healthy? Probably not.
Why do narcissistic relationships often end poorly?
Unresolved conflicts, lack of empathy, and ongoing manipulation can lead to dissatisfaction and eventual breakdowns. There is a neverending push and pull that only leads to dissatisfaction and unmet needs.
How can therapy help individuals in narcissistic relationships?
Therapy can help individuals recognize unhealthy patterns, develop empathy, and build healthier relationship skills.
Final Thoughts
Navigating a relationship between two narcissists is challenging, often leaving both partners feeling emotionally drained and unfulfilled. While these relationships can work in very rare cases, most require significant self-reflection and change. Seeking therapy and support can make a world of difference, whether you’re trying to salvage the relationship or decide it’s time to move on.
