Identifying Key Signs of Gaslighting in Relationships 

Have you ever been in a situation in which you know for sure that you did or said something only to have your partner tell you that it never happened? Has your version of events of which you have proof ever been negated and dismissed as non-factual? Have you started doubting your own memories and feel a loss of control? Chances are that you have been gaslit. It has happened to all of us at one time or another, from our romantic partners to co-workers and supervisors. The common denominating factor is that it makes us doubt our reality and decreases our ability to make sound judgments. In this article we will discover how to identify signs of gaslighting in a relationship. Learn common tactics, emotional impact, and steps to regain control and confidence.

What Is Gaslighting in a Relationship?

First, let’s explore what gaslighting is at its core. In essence, it is psychological manipulation that makes the recipient feel insecure, and makes that person start to question their memory and their own experience of a situation. At its worst, gaslighting is emotional abuse used by narcissists and other toxic people to control and undermine their partners. See the 35 signs of gaslighting in a relationship. 

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Can Gaslighting Happen without the Gaslighter Realizing It

Sometimes people are aware that they are indeed engaging in the practice and other times they may not realize that the manipulation tactic is gaslighting. We often see gaslighting used in “dirty fighting” among couples as a way to deflect blame and lessen the impact of a behavior for which they don’t want to take responsibility. Unfortunately, the consequences of using gaslighting against your partner, intentionally or not, has far-reaching implications, none of which are good.

Common Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship

So, now that you know what gaslighting is, how do you know if you or your partner are engaging in the mal-adaptive communication ploy? Here are a few signs that gaslighting is being used in your relationship. Learn more about common toxic relationship signs. 

• Denial of the other’s version of events even in the face of hard proof
• Feeling like you are losing your mind/self-doubt
• Decrease in self-esteem 
• Inability to make sound judgments because self-trust is diminished
• One or the other of you pretending you forgot when you actually do remember 
• Constantly apologizing or feeling guilty about something you know you didn’t do
• Feeling Isolated and Dependent on the other person
• Trivializing the other person’s feelings as being too sensitive

Can Gaslighting Happen in Friendships or Workplaces?

As a sidenote, gaslighting can take place within the confines of any relationship whether with a romantic partner, family member, friend or even with co-workers and supervisors in the workplace. The behaviors are the same and invalidate someone’s sense of self through such behaviors such as being aggressively competitive, only talking to you when they want something, making fun of a person in front of others to make he/she feel small, taking credit for someone else’s work, isolating someone from co-workers or other friends, gossiping, sharing confidential information and using it against you, making a person feel they can’t trust anyone, and giving constant criticism without any positive reinforcements while praising another. This list is small, but gives you an idea of how gaslighting can play out in other kinds of relationships besides romantic ones.

Why Do Some People Gaslight Others?

As stated above, some people do not realize that they are gaslighting as they have developed a harmful and mal-adaptive communication style throughout their lives. Often, people who gaslight others have been gaslit and thus the behavior has become a “normal” part of their communication pattern. 

On the other end of the spectrum are those are well aware they are gaslighting their partners and do it as a form of emotional abuse to control and isolate their partner, creating an unbalanced relationship dynamic in which the victim becomes reliant on the gaslighter to dictate both parties’ reality in the relationship. This level of gaslighting usually happens gradually over time and can be so subtle that the victim isn’t even aware that it is happening until they start to question their own sanity. The goal is to keep the victim under the thumb of the perpetrator and always maintain total control of the relationship.

Can Gaslighting Happen in Healthy Relationships? 

The short answer is maybe, but not often. Sometimes even the most healed people engage in gaslighting techniques a way to avoid blame or to deflect criticism for a particular event or behavior, but it’s important to remember that people engage in these negative and toxic patterns as a primitive coping mechanism born out of their own trauma. In stressful events, it’s human nature to revert to what is familiar to us. If those familiar feelings or behaviors include blame shifting, minimizing our partner’s feelings or denial of facts, then it is possible for us to fall prey to using the tactic. For us to foster healthy relationships though, it’s imperative to recognize the behavior and correct it before it becomes a destructive pattern. People involved in healthy relationships continually work to improve positive reinforcement of wanted behaviors, create safe spaces for honest communication with each other and allow for growth.

How to Address Gaslighting in a Relationship and Help Our Partners Realize they are Gaslighting

For us to change the dynamic in the relationship we must first recognize and accept that it is happening. As mentioned above, even in healthy relationships most of us have engaged in gaslighting occasionally when trying to deflect blame or criticism, but it is imperative for us to acknowledge our behavior and commit to do better by adapting healthier communication skills to resolve conflict. To help us and/or our partner to make these changes, we need to explain the issue and point out the impact that the action is having on us and the relationship. Left unresolved, gaslighting can lead to confusion, isolation, depression and broken bonds within the relationship. To assist you in understanding and eradicating gaslighting in your relationships, here are a few tips.

• Identify gaslighting behaviors that we and/or our partner exhibits
• Make a list of expectations of behavior (yours and your partner’s) within the relationship
• Develop healthy boundaries around your desired outcomes in which you confront the behavior as unacceptable. Let your partner know how you expect to be treated. If the boundaries are repeatedly crossed, establish clear consequences and follow through.
• Seek professional help in navigating the behavior. Invoking the assistance of a therapist or life coach can help reduce pressure and anxiety of how to handle toxic behavior
• Join a support group. Gathering in a safe, informative space such as Circles Online Support online can really be a game changer in receiving validation, encouragement and knowledge from a group of people who understand your circumstances as they are or have gone through exactly what you are experiencing.

When to Walk Away

If you have repeatedly addressed the issue with your partner, sought help from a professional and are still experiencing the destructive effects of gaslighting in the relationship, it may be time to consider walking away from the relationship. When our self-confidence has been shredded, when we are in doubt of our reality, when we can’t trust ourselves to make decisions about our daily lives and need constant validation from our partner about the most minute aspects of living, the relationship may be beyond repair. 

Conclusion

Losing our sense of value as an individual is not worth staying in the relationship and continuing the downward spiral of abuse. You may need to enlist the aid of trusted family and friends to help you dig your way out and rediscover yourself again, but it can be done. If needed, make an exit strategy, and have your helpers ready to step in and physically help you remove you from the environment. Make a support plan to assist you in staying on a healing path and refrain from going back to the toxic situation. Again, surrounding yourself with an army of like-minded people who understand you, like Circles Online Support, can bolster your confidence in finding your new path and a better life.