Divorce changed every aspect of my life, especially my relationship with money. It wasn’t just about the dollars and cents in my bank account. I started to feel intense fear and anxiety around money which activated what psychologist Dr. Brad Klontz calls a “money script” of both Money Avoidance and Money Vigilance. This essay explains how I have been working to overcome those feelings.
From Financial Security to Financial Insecurity
When I was married, we had become financially strong. Together, we had developed a cooperative financial system, meaning we shared expenses and savings to cover any unexpected costs. It was the first time in my life I had ever felt financially secure. With my sudden and unexpected divorce came hard hitting financial insecurity. I had to set up a suitable household for my daughter, pay half of her daycare and preschool fees, and make bi-monthly child support payments to her mother. I am sure many divorced fathers are familiar with this scenario.
Bills, Fear and Stress
Paying bills alone was overwhelming. I remember staring at my bank balance online and feeling petrified about how to pay for everything. I constantly feared surprise costs. My old and increasingly unreliable car was a constant source of stress. A common thought was, “How do I make this $600 act like it’s $900 for the next two weeks?” For about a year, I managed by juggling multiple credit cards and then making minimum last-minute payments every month. Then one particularly humiliating incident shook me. I was at the grocery store trying to buy food for the weekend before picking up my daughter. My debit card was declined. The cashier, young and inexperienced, shouted across the store to his supervisor, “His card was declined! What should I do?” Embarrassed and scared, I sarcastically said, “Great. Just tell everyone!” He looked bewildered and stammered, “Sorry sir. I…I…I don’t know what to do.” I walked out, my face red and tears rolling down my cheeks. My checking account was overdrawn again. My scheme of sending last-minute online payments to maxed out creditors, hoping they would hit after my paycheck was deposited, was off the mark. But this time, when my paycheck did credit to my account, my bank ate it up in overdraft fees. All of my money was gone. I literally did not have a single dollar to my name. Not long after that, I filed for bankruptcy.
Money Script
My relationship with money started to change when I took a mandatory financial education course as part of the bankruptcy. The online course introduced the idea of setting funds aside for anticipated future expenses (my car’s oil change, for example) from each pay so that at least some money would be available when the expense came. Up to that point, my financial education was limited to seeing my mother struggle to maintain our household on her teacher’s salary, living paycheck-to-paycheck as a single parent. That was where my early “money scripts” had developed.
Slowly, but with intent, I implemented coping strategies and made lifestyle changes to minimize the impact on my daughter. This helped me stay focused and motivated when I felt like giving up. Above everything else, I wanted her to have childhood experiences like going to a movie once a month or visiting her grandmother out of state, along with keeping our refrigerator stocked with healthy food and maintaining a safe place to live. To this day, changing my relationship with money is an ongoing effort. Most of it centers around my ability to “be comfortable while being uncomfortable.” Over time, I have sharpened my skills with budgeting and planning tools. I have plenty of credit now and when I use it the bill is paid in full. I haven’t carried over an interest-bearing credit card balance in more than 10 years.
Divorce and Financial Anxiety
Divorce is likely to create financial anxiety, but that does not mean you are doomed to fail. If you are going through that right now, here are three things you can do:
• Take a deep breath and tell yourself, “This is not going to get resolved today. But it is going to get better. I will find a way forward.”
• Educate yourself. There are no shortcuts here. Figure out your “money script” so that you can better understand your relationship with money.
• Be prepared to make necessary changes in your lifestyle. For example, I had to stop our cable subscription. Instead, we went to the library every week and checked out books and movies. That money was reallocated to groceries, and no one missed cable at all.
While divorce is likely to impact your financial situation and create anxiety, it also offers an opportunity to learn and grow. By understanding your money scripts and making necessary adjustments, you can rebuild your financial security and provide a stable environment for yourself and your loved ones. Take proactive steps, educate yourself, and embrace changes to navigate through this challenging period.
